The Breed - Comments

@ Roxz
Wow thanks! This is actually finished, it's a complete novel, I just never gotten around to posting the whole thing because It's a first draft, and a BAD first draft at that. But I will gladly post more of it if you so desire.

This seems like a great story, I've found myself imagining the characters and spaces you describe. It's enjoyable, compelling and well written.
It's without a doubt, one of the best stories I'd gotten through comments swap. You shouldn't give up on it.
That said... Update!

Comment swap:

You have great description and detail. I liked the beginning, it wasn't too confusing and it left the reader wanting to continue on. You've got a few grammatical errors, like incorrect capitalization in a few places, nothing major. Here:

"What Happened? Happened shouldn't be capitalized. It is not a pronoun or a name.

Also you've forgotten to space out a few of your paragraphs. If you copied and pasted this from a word document that might be the reason. Just go through and make sure everything is lined up correctly.

Okay, I found you're story through the comment swap system and here is what I think:

To start, you're layout is a little odd, just because of the similar colors. Starting the first chapter, I would suggest you add paragraph indents. When the story is all in one jumble, it begins to get confusing and many readers loose interest. You have a few grammar mistakes that you may want to go back and correct, and you use quotations instead of apostrophes! (When you're quoting, it should look like this: "It's no use, I'll always get you." And when you need an apostrophe, it looks like this: It's for his own good Rena, and quite frankly I don't get why you won't tell me.) Just change those few things and you're good!

I just wanted to start out by saying that, the fact that your paragraphs are all pushed together, make it hard to read. ): Also, just so you know, in your first chapter, instead of apostophes, you're using quotation marks. Sometimes, your sentences seem to run, and without commas, I find myself getting confused on your meaning.

The idea behind the vampires is very interesting. Your characters are believable, and I feel like I know them myself. (: They have their own personalities, and I enjoy the sense of humor.

*inject Damien

*inject Damien

This is an interesting story but if Damien's father doesn't want Damien to become likes Chase, why did he inject with something that keeps him full of rage? Isn't that what he doesn't want?