Alpha X - Comments

@ SilentlyEchoing
Thank you for the comment. I don't think I've had a single bad review for this book so far. As of the time of this comment back, half of this book has been posted.

Im only a couple chapters in but how the he'll doesn't this have more comments. I thought all the girls would already be lining up and throwing their panties at you. After I do some more reading I'll post a more productive comment. Just thought i would put that out there.

Thank you for the constructive critism, Doctor. This is my first piece of literature, and I am still learning. I actually started this on another website, and around chapter 4 or so I had found an editor that caught of those mistakes. Tomorrow he is going to look through this chapter and the first few, making fixes for me. I will fix this chapter as soon as he has looked over it.

I haven't gotten a chance to read the entire first chapter- mostly because it is late and I am tired- but from what I have read, I really like how unique the story plot is. I actually read most of the chapter, even though it is long for Mibba's standards, and I am known not to read this much. Good job with keeping the reader entertained.

What caused me to lose my attention was when the duel was taking place. It got too repetitive to read the same two characters' names over and over.
'“Wait, Sirus.” Raviel called, causing Sirus to turn back toward him. Sirus found Raviel was offering his hand. Sirus met Raviel with a handshake," and, "'You will.<-(this should be a comma)' Sirus confirms. Sirus turns and walks out, toward his home,'" are just two examples I see just by picking a random part in your story. It's quite bothersome for a reader to have to re-read the main character's name over and over so many times. This is an easy fix, though.

There are a few punctuation and grammar problems that I have spotted. One of them being your improper use of "Your".
"“Hmm so your still standing...Your willing to go this far for Hina, but I have yet to actually meet her."
The word 'your' is possessive. "Your car. What is your problem. Do you have your wallet?"
'You're', on the other hand, is the combination of the words 'you' and 'are'. "Hmm, so you ARE still standing...You are willing to go this far for Hina, but I have yet to actually meet her."

There are some little syntax problems that I think are too inconsistent for you to learn from, but I'll try to explain one or two.
1st paragraph: "He heard the door close and a familiar voice." The "and a familiar voice" needs to be re-introduced to the 'he heard part' as it is a different thing that he heard and needs a verb. "He heard the door close and heard a familiar voice," is how it should go. I feel like I am explaining that horridly.
Paragraph 4: "It's almost eleven, why is Akura still up?" This is a run-on sentence because they are both complete thoughts, but lack a semicolon, dash, or conjunction such as 'and, or, but, yet, etc'. Once again, this is an easy fix.

Anyway. The beginning of the chapter sounds like material that an editor can work with; it's that engaging. There are quite a few things that could be tweaked and improved, but the over-all concept behind these things is great.

I hope my comment is beneficial to you and makes up for the lack of other comments. Keep writing! I've subscribed to your story.