August 28th, 2013 at 11:12pm
You're an expert summary writer. Honestly, you make me so intrigued about your story, I would've clicked the chapter in any case.
However, I'd recommend taking out the "with her" at the end. It's a bit clunky and redundant.
I had this pit in my stomach, reading the first part. Like he'd cheated on her or had a family or something. I wanted to hate him, the way he was beating himself up and how Sara was clearly the apple of his eye, and he'd possibly already destroyed her. But oh my god, the real reason for his leaving her? It was somehow worse and just so tragic. Lovely and heart-breaking.
I really love the vocabulary you use and the gestures between the couple. You can feel the love between them in the words. It's really beautiful.
I wanted to throttle David when he was breaking it off though - the lies were just really crushing. If a man said that to me after 9 months, I think I'd swear off all men. And it's so awful to think that Sara could go that way. Especially because she was so loved.
The way you tied the title in at the end was absolute perfection.
It was all so tragic and you actually made me feel what the characters were. The concept was very original – or at least I’ve never read anything quite like it. It's a great piece.
You're such an incredible writer, honey. I really need to point this out. You have an amazing and unique way of putting emotions into your story and making them unfold to the reader. It blows my mind, seriously.
I loved this so much! It was rather short really, but it was so intense and it said a lot more than most authors are able to put into less than 3000 words. I'm completely in love. I could picture everything so perfectly throughout the whole story, and it drew me in like crazy.
It starts off like that right away. There's no big beating about the bush, it's just Bam right to action and you can kind of immediately put yourself into David's position and understand what he's feeling like. Or imagine. Like..it gets the whole vibe across easily and very well.
One of my favorite things about this were probably the little bit of indirect speech you included as his thoughts. It helped to understand him and it tensed the whole thing up someone. I think something would have really been missing without it. It's adorable and so crazily sad at the same time how much he's arguing with himself before and even while pulling through with his whole plan. it's almost painful to read because you make it so intense and realistic.
I think that was kind of important to this story. Your way of giving detail and describing the scenes and thoughts gave the story a great character for itself and it was just so good. I love the idea to the plot as well, him being so much older and ...I'm in love with him! Seriously. From just this you make him seem like such a gentleman. Such a loving, kind-hearted person. SO PERFECT. It makes it even sadder to read about him breaking up with her because from the way he thinks about her, all I'm left thinking is: "Damn, this girl msut be perfect for him and he must love her so fucking much." Oh god, my heart.
So yes, I liked both of the characters very much, even if we didn't get to know too much about her. Still, I'm not sitting here wishing he'd call her back, fix it because...god, just the scene when she's changing the light bl..I forgot the word, it's just..it just proves how much he cares and GODDAMIT.
Such an amazing story honey. I'm a sucker for stuff like this...I loved it! (Sorry for spelling mistakes)