June 28th, 2017 at 10:01am
Wow, I really liked this. I've never seen anything like it, and that's probably what sucked me in. The description was awesome, and I admit I am a sucker for a good tragic romance. The emotion behind the characters having to give up one thing they love (the clans and lifestyle) for another (each other) was flawless. I'm really impressed. I'm really sad that Calloway got his wings ripped off. I feel like that hurts. A lot. Someone sew that shit back on before I cry.
Spelling and grammar was nearly perfect, though there were a couple errors that did stand out to me.
"Then I feel in love with him."
I believe you meant "fell" there, rather than "feel".
Also, "He and I both no that I'm dancing along the line of insanity."
I think instead of "no", you meant "know".
Other than that, if there were any other mistakes, they didn't stand out to me or hinder my ability to understand the story. Very nice job on this piece.
This was definitely a unique concept. I was expecting Calloway to have actually either been a human or an angel, since most of the time, those are the two ‘creatures’ that go with demons. I was pleasantly surprised that it was actually faeries instead. Calloway and Desimus’ dynamic was cute, and I liked knowing their story. You didn’t retell it to me in flashbacks or even start at the very beginning, but in Calloway’s relationship with Desimus instead and with a lot of emotion. It was nice. And I was so sad that Calloway got his wings ripped off! Like I actually cringed because I imagine that hurt so badly, and then to be infected too. Rub some salt into that wound, damn.
You had a lot of errors though—grammatical and spelling. You never end your dialogue lines with punctuation of any sort, which is worse than improper punctuation because it makes things flow strangely. For example, "Hush your mind, Calloway" Desimus whispers – This should have been written like “Hush your mind, Calloway,” Desimus whispers[,] and then with this line "Calloway, it's going to be okay. I promise no matter what it's going to be okay" His lips meet mine, warm, soft, familiar, and comforting., it should be written with a period so it should be, “Calloway, it’s going to be okay. I promise no matter what it’s going to be okay.” His lips meet mine[,] because it’s an action whereas the first example was a dialogue tag. I hope that was clear?
Some of the glaring errors were distracting simply because they were so simple. For example (I bolded the spelling errors):
He and I both no that I'm dancing along the line of insanity.
Then I feel in love with him.
They showed me the up most respect and treated me like royalty. (Should be ‘utmost’.)
There were others so I would definitely recommend either proofreading your content a little more carefully or having a second party do it to help you out to avoid this.
Overall though, I did like this story because it was unique and I love how Calloway still fell in love with Desimus, despite being the same kind of creature that killed his family. It had a deeper meaning to it that I really appreciated.