A Little Piece of Heavan. - Comments

I just want to say that I fucking love stories that have an uprising protagonist. Especially those who are forced to use sexuality to live, and finding love. You described the dancing to the song really well, and the only advice I have for you is try to make longer paragraphs and use correct dialogue. I have to say though, I like the plot.

*comment swap*

The lights, the music, the feeling of dread before I go on stage. So the first thing I noticed is that this isn't a complete thought so I'm not sure what you're trying to convey here.

I think like Spalana said, there should be some more description because it's a little plain to me and the character annoys me for some reason, I'm not sure why but that's just me

Anyways, I would proofread and make sure that you don't mix up you and you're because I've seen misuse once or twice. What really makes me curious is Heavan's step mother and why she didn't pursue her rightful money, if in fact her father left her something in the will.

Also, Cameron reminds me of Magic Mike, which is good

i really like this story, and i am sad Cameron died... :(
how is Heavan gonna take care of the kid??

whatttttt! upsdarte please!

This chapter was intense! Wow! Nice!

Comment swap here!

I think I like it, a little different than what I expected and I would like more detail, just more explanation of every movement other than "she walked" "she said" it would make it a bit more interesting. Great job though!

I like this :)

I love the way you started it off. It was a very straightforward introduction to the story, but it also had some emotion and really said something about your character. And the end of the first chapter is a nice small cliffhanger.

Your story idea is really interesting and could go a lot of places. And your character seems well formed. There are only a few small mistakes I noticed.

"You're turn babydoll," should be "your turn, babydoll." Also, the start of the second chapter - just the first line - is in present tense instead of past.

This is a really great story! There are not many good original fictions on here. I like where this is going. And I love stories about strippers and prostitutes. They have really interesting and underrated stories. This is actually a lot like the first couple chapters of my story, EXPOSURES.
p.s. I love how her dog's name is Devil! Haha.

I think that this is a very interesting idea for a story. My mom is all obsessed with women trafficking, and it is actually her job. Back to your story, you made your characters very believable, and I became lost in your story. This is also very well written, and you put a lot of detail into this. You also gave the impression that you knew what you were talking about and that you actually did research. Keep up the great work.

Thank you, I was in a musical type mood. Have you seen Burlesque or Moulin Rouge? They're great movies, if you like musicals.

Cool, I get to be the first comment! I really like it so far, it's very original =)