The Offer - Comments

Oh, this is a lovely, lovely story. I enjoyed reading it, even though there was only one chapter. Layla is a fascinating character, and Elena is just adorable. Georgio, on the other hand? He's kind of weird, not going to lie. Good weird, though; endearing weird.

I hope that there will be updates soon?

@ Draco.
Thank you so much for your comment on my story, The Offer. I will most certainly take your words into consideration, and hopefully I'll be able to better my writing that way.

What an amazing layout! It's really an eye catcher so well done on that creativity. I find that you write nicely use good vocabulary. I found some areas a little rushed and others a little overly descriptive. It's just about finding an even balance but that will come with practice.

Otherwise this was so good and should be continued! It's a lovely piece.

COMMENT SWAP:

I like the layout, it really works for the story. The summary made me think about the story. I then thought, why not try it out. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad of a story. I was right. The way you have the story so far is amazing. I didn't notice any errors. You flowed through the first chapter amazingly. I was easily able to go along with the story. Elena seems to be such an adorable character, who only hopes for the best. The main character seems very reserved. Her father is an ass and needs to go to an AA meeting or something. The chapter seemed a little rushed, but in all it was good.

All in all, I like this story so far. I would really like it if you updated soon! You are a talented writer. Keep it up!

Just one thing, i dunno if its just my computer but your picture says it was moved or deleted. Just to let you know. And so on with my comment: Damn that was actually really good. I've never been into original fictions posted on Mibba but this really got my attention, from the second I saw the title and read the summary. This was an awesome first chapter. though it was longer than what I'm used to you got a lot of background out and set up the plot nicely. I loved it. It definitely sucks that you haven't updated in a while though.

Comment Swap:

I for one really enjoyed the layout for the atmosphere of the story, so good job on the whole designing aspect. As far as your story is concerned, it reads very much like a journal entry. I'm not entirely sure if the character's perspective was the greatest route to go, because I have a difficult time getting a grasp on really anything the describes. All the scenes in which she attempts to deliver are very simple and relatively rushed, so maybe add a little more detail for your readers? Other than that, it has a really good start.

Comment Swap:
So first of all i really like your layout, its eye catching yet very easy to read. The picture along the top is very nice.
I also really enjoy how you write, your style is full of personality yet still flows nicely. I can quickly get a grasp at the main characters personality and how they see things.
Good job :)

[Comment Swap]
I really like your layout here - the story title and the picture below are quite intriguing! :)

I think some of your paragraphs should be split up a bit more so it's easier to read, rather than trying to focus on all the words at once.

I really liked this paragraph for some reason - "Her head was stagnant in the toilet bowl in her bathroom, her hair swimming around her, closer to the surface than she was." It really hit home right there, especially the last line.

Ooh, I can't wait to find out when Layla will meet Georgio again :D I hope you update soon, 'cause I reaaally want to know what happens next.

I was worried about the CS thing, thinking I'd end up with some awful story, but I really really liked yours! Your idea was interesting and I like the way you write - it's very elegant.
:)

Honestly i went into the comment swap thinking i would have to bite the bullet and comment on some cliche teenage love story, but from what I am reading so far, i actually really enjoy this.

I see an error though, in the paragraph below the ~~ she says " didn't sit in the back, nor did I sit in the back of the room. I stayed in the middle, which I liked to see as a metaphor of my life; always stuck in between." I believe you meant to say she did not sit in the front nor the back.

I think the idea is pretty original, and honestly, it has really kept my attention throughout the chapter. I am still very curious as to what Layla will do next, and when Georgio will reappear. Also, i hope, but for some reason doubt, that the husband will get his comeuppance. It really hits me in my heart whenever little kids are affected by things.

Anyways, to some things up, a very original idea, keeps interest very well, and leaves me begging for more, all the elements of a good story.

I will definatly be subscribing.

comment swap! Alright so I'm not great at picking up mistakes but I notice one tiny capitalization typo "I'm not a winter person". Other then that I really do like Georgio his a pretty interesting character his approach. It left me wondering a little bit more about him. I feel like Layla has a bit of a rough exterior because she had to sorta grow up fast or at least this is what type of vibe im getting which hopefully is a good vibe. I just wanted to point out that that is a pretty realistic character scenario. Alright have a lovely day keep up the good work. xoxo Lisa-Marie

The story really grabs the attention with the mystery of this Georgio person and I'm excited to find out more!

I really can't wait to see where this story goes! :)

No comments, I am defiantly going to change that. I feel very sympathetic and a bit apathetic toward your characters. The layout of the story was very ironic, especially with Mila's suicide. Georgio is a great character and I would enjoy a bit more please.