From the Beginning - Comments

Comment swap~

I like the readability factor here. Your conversations are realistic, and Evaleigh being friends with her best friend's girlfriend is a nice change. I don't know much about The Maine, so I can't say much to how much like their real selves the guys are, but Evaleigh is very well-characterized (and I can definitely sympathize with her bad day! Ouch!).

The story lacks a bit of fluidity, though, and the grammar could use some revision. I also would have liked to see the year between her meeting John and opening her patisserie. It would have been great for relationship-building and, from a storytelling standpoint, plot progression.

@ Avenged_girl

Hello, thank you for commenting on my story!!

Although I still love the idea that I had with this story, I literally don't know what was going through my head when I wrote it. When I read your comment, I re-read through it and am absolutely embarrassed by my spelling and grammar. I'm thinking that I'll re-write it properly when I have time and then I'll continue on with it.

The bold names were used to identify text messages. Haha. Apologies if that wasn't very clear, I'll work on that!!

Thank you again for your comment!! xx

Wow she really did have a bad day :P (I'm reading the first chapter) I really like your descriptions, I feel like I'm really there. Sometimes I'm lost, like it doesn't really make sense in my opinion, the story is not really fluid ... And I don't really get the names in bold, what do they do ?

Let me start of by saying I love the layout. The banner, the birds, and the background really fit well together. It gives a little insight on what is to come in the story, which made it really enticing to begin. The summary is what made me the most excited though. I'm not familiar with the main characters, but that didn't matter, because the summary just made me HAVE to read it. That's something that I think is really important with any work, and you really accomplished that.

"I have to hire myself a set from the head chef!" (First chapter) Doesn't really make sense to me, but that could just be me. I think it would sound better as "I have to rent myself a set from the head chef!"

"I think Jared it would have had a heart attack if I spent fifty dollars per day on an icing kit for college..." The "it" in the sentence was probably unintentional, or left over from where you reworked the sentence.

"Hey, I'm not going to be home tonight. I'm going out with Adrian.
Addy's off to Vega tonight with her friends and Jordan. Will you
be okay?" Did you mean to say Vegas here, or? Haha.

"She know worked in a restaurant, while I’d opened my own patisserie." This should say "She now worked."

There were a few other mistakes I've seen, nothing is really major I'm just a Nazi sometimes, so I would look over everything one more time. You are really talented. The story so far is really good. It keeps your interest peaked, and I can't help but to want to see more of their relationship. her relationship with Halvo is friggin hilarious. I love it. Keep going with this, you definitely have something here. I recommended it, because you deserve it!! :)

(Comment Swap)

This is really really good. A touch treaky to read at first, but maybe that's just cause i haven't read a good story in a while. Comment Swap brought me here and I'm glad it did. I haven't actually read a John O'Callaghan story. I'm glad I read this one though. Keep up the good work. :)

I love this, I can't wait for more! :)

I'm confuse. I think it's a bit important to know about their relationship for the past year. I mea: did they kiss before? did they used to hold hands? did they have sex before? I wanna know what made John to assume that they were already together but it wasn't clear for Eva...

I'm really interested in this. I like how well it is written it's easy to read and doesn't go into such extreme detail that I skim but that doesn't mean it's lacking either. I hope you continue with this soon it is an excellent story.

Comment swap brought me here and im glad it did, this is the first john ocalaghan story ive ever read, which is surprising since ive seen him live and the dude is like the king of mibba or something he's everywhere, but I loved it anyway, soooo you should keep updating cause if you dont i think I might spontaniously combust or something, I dont know it could happen :D

Mibba is playing upp....feel free to remove my last comment because its not working..
Comment Swap brought me here, but excuse me while i subscribe... i LOVE The Maine and i really like the first chapter! i feel lik Evaleigh is my best friend already haha, she seems lovely!
keep updating!
oh, and Evaleigh is such a pretty name!

Comment Swap brought me here, but excuse me while i subscribe... i LOVE The Maine and i really liek the first chapter!
keep updating!
oh, and Evaleigh is such a pretty name!

-from comment swap

Evaleigh’s name is so interesting and cute. The layout is just perfect for the mood of the story, so that’s great! I like the minimalistic summary, it drove me to read the rest of your work. I like that you’ve added the character page, so maybe the picture links are unnecessary in the summary page? I like your writing style and the way you present and describe your characters – good luck with this.