Peligroso de Amor - Comments

I'm here from the comment swap, and I'm so excited that I've found this story~ I live just outside of LA, so it's nice to see a story that isn't immediately all cheer and Hollywood. From the summary it gives the feel of a stereotypical Hollywood mafia movie - which I adore. I don't actually know if this is realistic to South LA or not, but your ideas don't seem too far out of how things are where I live so *glitter emoji*

I immediately decided that I liked Antonio; he seems like the type of guy that any girl could love. I do wish there was a character page, simply because your character names all start with an A and it's a little hard to keep straight which is born first and second and so on. The banter between them after Avo and Nic leave had me busting up laughing.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I had to look up "ard" since I never heard it. Obviously since I don't live in South LA I can't say for 100%, but since it originated and is used in Philly I'd say to make sure any slang used is accurate when you have a definite location. When I read the first chapter I figured Avo liked Nic so it seems lame of Antonio to go after her, but their date was really cute. The fact that they didn't have sex because there wasn't a condom was a nice touch that I rarely seen in fiction online. Smart.

When Nic took off her heels to fight, dang I wasn't expecting that. This scene was written out extremely well, right down to the lack of coordination that a user would have. Hopefully you'll update this soon, because I'm really into it. Sorry my comments are a bit all over the place; I've been reviewing as I read!

Corrections:
- vNic only knew alberto = Alberto (chapter 1)
- "Your takin' Chino's = You're, You are (chapter 1)
- Chapter 1 overall, you could split less paragraphs. Dialogue doesn't need to be a new paragraph if it's the same character twice in a row (:
- Heroine was the most abundant. = Heroin (chapter 2)
- He heard Avp voice called = Avo's voice call (chapter 2)
- aether's clothes off. = each other's clothes off? (chapter 2)
- seen nicolette = Nicolette (chapter 3)

From the Comment Swap

I don't know what to make of this story. I love the layout, but there was a lot of characters introduced at once, and a lot of their name's start with A's. So bear with me. I like the style of writing for the most part, I definitely think it is difficult to bear emotions to your reader's through a third person narrartion. That being said, I wasn't too fond of this line: "The few minutes left of the car ride were spent in silence, as both Antonio and Nicolette were swimming deeply in their thoughts of each other." while the characters are all very direct in what they sat, your writing style hadn't been so direct until that part in the first chapter. To be honest, it turned me off a bit. I think it ruined the mood of the scene.

I like the chemistry between Avo and Antonio, they have a sweet little bromance going on. The teasing between the family members seems pretty innocent, but their actions make me feel like they all have the same personality. I really hope to see Antonio and Avo break away and show some development.

From the comment swap.
I love, love, love this. It's so beautifully written, and the diction of the characters is just so wonderful. Your descriptions tie everything together without it being overwhelming, and everything flows well together. I just love this: from the writing to the plot.
Keep up the good work!

I don't usually read gang stories, but it's good to read something different once in a while- and comment swap makes sure of that. First I love the picture, I have a thing for black and white, tattoo photography and it gives you a hint about what the story is about without reading anything yet. I love how you make the characters sound believable, I don't mind swearing in stories, I think it's colorful and very real, they don't sound like robots. Your writing is easy to read, no spelling errors so you're good on that. I felt the chapters were too long for me, but that's just me, and nothing you need to worry about, ha. Keep writing this, I think it's great.

Also, I have an idea. Maybe Antonio changes his ways for a girl? Or maybe for his brother? Just a thought. :-)

-Comment swap-
I love this. I love the background and the characters. You discribe things really well. I also love the chapter length. It's not too long or too short. They're just right.

I came across this story and I really like it. It flows very well and has a different view then most storys on Mibba. I really like the fight scene, very well done I might say :)
You got my reccomendation for sure, as well as a subscriber :)

You have an excellent writing style; I didn't notice and glaring errors and you sentences were very well articulated. You've pulled off the "gang" vibe without it feeling forced, fake, or cheesy, and for that you deserve and award. My only complaint is that I felt your method of introducing the brotherswas bulky and didnt flow as well as the rest of the sorry. Other than that, A+!

Absolutely adored this. I had never read anything like this on Mibba. It's so realistic and truly feels real. There were no spelling or grammer mistakes (that were unintentional) and the story had a flow and plot that made you want to keep reading nonstop. You are truly an amazing writer. The way you captivate your readers is incredible. Fantastic story and has my reccomendation! :)

Okay, so I love this, I really love this. I love the way that you wrote how they would talk, it's more urban, and we need that a little on this site. I also like how all the brothers' name start with A. Ha.

This makes my Spanish story seem like a kid's story xD but nonetheless I love this, and I really hope you continue it. You've gained a subscriber, chica!

This is really good. Thanks to comment swap, you've got yourself another subscriber. :) I have no real complaints and your writing style is amazing. Update soon! :)

Your skills are 8,5 out of 10 in my view. Your way of writing is rather interesting and left me amazed. As for spelling or grammar mistakes I don't really care because I care more for the content of your chapters, the situations and the feelings.
Every story is a journey and yours takes me to one I would love to see to an end to. Short or long chapters don't matter to me either cause you could write only fifteen lines and make me feel more than if you've wroten a bunch, if you get what I mean.
Your characters are brought up really well. Your story is really great so keep it up and don't make me wait too long for another chapter of your interesing imagination. :)

You have an interesting way of writing, it's refreshing to see. Different. (: The only thing you need to watch out for spelling errors: there are a lot of cases, in the first chapter alone, where you used 'starred' instead of 'stared.'

Personally, it's not my type of piece, but it's very evident that you're pretty skilled. (: You seem pretty knowledgeable about this stuff, which is interesting, and aids in the story.

I like your layout, too - it's retro. :P Good luck on your piece!

That was fantastic! You really have to keep on writing. There are so many writing styles but yours left me amazed. Good job. :)

-comment swap
your chapters are long enough to be called chapters, unlike most stories on here, and your layout is cool.
The title being the only thing i saw, i didnt think i'd be able to read this because i cant read spanish (?)
its not usually my tyoe of story, but i really enjoyed it, keep writing!

I'm sorry but I just couldn't read the word count for the chapters until I put my face against my computer screen. Sorry to the point of the story. I don't want to sound like a freak but in Spanish if you say of love it is D'Amor for fluency reasons. You don't need to change it, just thought I would point it out. I think that you had a great voice in your writing. I found that they were believable, and other than the title almost no grammar errors. I found that Angel was a comparable character to many people in my family. All in all c'est super cool. Oh sorry that is French (their language comes before ours yet they use some of ours)

This reminds me of Glue by Irvine Welsh. Except not. But anway.

I really like the dirty atmosphere of it, although a lot of people don't, I guess. I love Antonio and Nic's relationship - she's something different, decent almost. Even through the coarseness, you can see something there.

Update soon

I read this as a comment swap, and I can't lie I only read the first chapter. It's not my type of story, but I really did enjoy the atmosphere of it. I did enjoy the raw vulgarity and the dialogue. It made me laugh quite a bit. You obviously know where you're going in the story, so keep it up!

Omg hurry up and update

Hello there! It's comment swap time!

First off, I adored your layout. It's about the loveliest one I've seen. =)

As for the story it's definitely not my usual. I did get through the first chapter though and I really think you have a good sense of what you're wanting to portray. You have a strong style and your characters are coming along really well. Not to mention I saw very few, if any, grammar or spelling mistakes. That makes it even better. Keep it up! You've got something going! Happy writing! =)