Insomnia. - Comments

UPDATE. UPDATE. UPDATE. O_O PLEASE. UPDATE. <3

I love it!! :)

Hello there. :) Well, that was different. Xd First of all the summary seemed really interesting to me and it pulled me in. The summary and the chapters were well written too. I'm wondering how your characters will develop. What's gonna happen with Erika and the other girl? I wanna read more of this so you better post soon. *high five* for the good job. Xd Keep it up. Xd

So the summary really made me want to read this, and the title is great, the layout too, easy to read, but it was a little difficult to read. Because of the paragraphs I mean, as far as I can see that's the only thing that needs improving. I don't really know much about Insomnia, so it was definitely interesting to read. I think you explained it pretty well, so good job.

I have some mixed feelings about this. I love your title and summary, they both make me want to read the story and are very intriguing.

I had a hard time with the flow of your writing though. It was rather choppy through the whole prologue and I felt like I was reading a bunch of fragments smooshed together. Well, that's exaggeration a bit, but it was choppy.

I like your plot so far, I think it's definitely interesting. I haven't really read about insomnia before, so it was cool to see how you described it.

Overall, well done. I think this could be really great :)

Wow, so I'm feeling kind of mixed about this. First off, the layout is gorgeous. Automatically pulled me in. Secondly, the description was brilliant. Borderline overbearing at times, but overall great. "There was fog creeping along the ground like a tarantula crawling toward its prey." That line really stuck out for me. I don't know why, but it did. Maybe the use of the word tarantula and the just the way you set up the scene. I'm really curious to where this is heading and why she has Insomnia. The title draws me in as well. For some reason, one word titles attract me. However, I did find that it moved a bit too fast for my taste in Chapter 3. The other two were paced really well, but I feel like it went faster in Chapter 3. Maybe it's just me, but in general I'm intrigued. Keep writing :)

@ Une'Belle'Occasion.
Thank God for spell check, i'm so tired :D
You shoulda seen how i spelt 'describing' the first time - describabng i think was close to it! :LLL

@ MRGF123
Yes, it was coherent, and thank youuu. :)
I'm glad you like it. :D

Oooooft XD Meh, i feel bad for this lassie! Poor wee street walker ;P Still, on a serious note (or as serious as i can be at 3.30 in the morning) once again your word choice was excellent creating a vivid scene. The detail put into describing characters physical features is also important. It does make the reader feel instantly sympathetic towards the narrator, so if that's what you wanted, congrats. Again, keeping up the air of mystery - i like. You hint at her situation without coming straight out with it and you also leave the reader wondering what will happen to her, what her boss will do hand all the normal resolution/hopeful happy ending crap :) Another great update - keep going, sweetie <3 I hope this was coherent XD

Hi love this idea as a short story!

Suggestion: In the sentence "I lifted the cup to my face, sipping the steaming, bitter contents. I chuckled, the flavor as bitter as my soul and the appearance as dark as my intense brown hair and deep eyes.", the word "chuckled" seems out of place with the rest of the mood of the sentence. :)

Have I ever mentioned how great a writer i think you are, dear? Only the first two chapters and it's awesome, you should totally keep going.
The descriptions are so vivid, it makes it real easy for the reader to picture the situation you describe. Like the way you describe the fog, i was like, 'Ew.' XD The air of mystery throughout is enough to make me want to read on, but without confusing me with complex back-stories. Basically, it's great, keep going, honey :)

A few suggestions to change up some of your sentences in the first part:

*"I scoffed and whispered, “How pathetic.”"

Instead I suggest;

"I scoffed and whispered bitterly to myself, "How pathetic."

*"A violent shiver runs through me, as I feel a pair of eyes on me."

I think instead you should put;

"A violent shiver runs along my back, as I feel a pair of eyes on me."

Just a slight change, but I think it sounds better.

And, onto what I think.
This story has three much-needed and important things, to me at least;
Coffee, cigarettes, and good descriptions.
There isn't much posted up, but I like it nonetheless.
I think the spacing should be adjusted. Break up those paragraphs where you just have line after line without dialogue with double spaces. It makes it easier to read.
I like your writing style. A lot, actually.
I really interested in this. Please do update soon, my love.
I'll be subscribing.

Definitely continue. Subscribing now :)
This story has great potential so update soon!
Updating your Alice and Rae story would be awesome too! Just sayin' ;)

This seems interesting and promising. I'd very much like to know who this "him" is.

I think it's worth an update, definitely. (: Subscribing to see how this turns out!

Eradicate- Gaha, walking skeleton.
Maddie- I have permanent insomnia.
Love- We all do :(