A New Girl in Town - Comments

I was brought here from comment swap.
I've gotta say I think it is written rather nicely, though like everything, there are always some things that need to be fixed. I noticed a few sentences ran together, and a couple of grammatical errors, but nothing that's bad enough you can't fix! :)
I liked how much detail you have already put into the story, but there should never be a limit to stop the details. Paint a picture with words, make your readers REALLY see what it is they are reading:)
Good job, keep up all the good work :)

Comment Swap!
I think your story is moving along nicely! I would change a few things though. I think it is a bit hard to read with the way it is written. Some of the sentences run into each other and there arw quite a few grammatical errors, but nothing too bad! And I would try to punch more detail into your story, especially helping in making the chapters longer, giving tour readers more to read!

Comment Swap!
I think the idea of this story is very, very cute! I love the direction you seem to be taking, and I didn't see any grammatical mistakes or anything that makes it hard to read. I really am curious to see what else you do with this story!

Comment Swap :)
I like this story, it's cute. I haven't read much yet but it seems interesting and I'm looking fallward to reading more. your writings really good and I didn't notice and grammar issues or anything like that (but I am certainly not the best judge of that!). I don't actually have anything particularly negative to say, so good job and keep it up!

update soon I want to nw wats wrong with him

Comment Swap: I like the way you write this story. Its very punctual. A lot of writers spend hours on end trying to sift their sentences around to create these intricate lines that flow, but you've created a stead pace that holds a reader's attention. That being said, there are some serious verb issues with this piece, which is strange because i've never read a story that had this issue. It sounds like enlgish isn't your first language. None the less, i like your writing style, not so much the story (i roll my eyes at romance) but the writing is cool.

Comment Swap;

Very cute story.
I don't listen to a lot of The Maine or The Rocket Summer, but I have heard a few of their songs.
But, since I am not a huge fan of theirs, I don't really know who is who.
But, it is a lovely story, nonetheless.

Comment Swap;

First off let me say that I am not a critizer; I'm not very well with grammar or spelling errors, well I am with few. But, I think you are catching my drift. Hopefully. Anywho this a cute story. This story was well written and descriptive, I think I noticed a few grammar errors. That or I'm wrong. I like how you added a flashback; I think that makes stories alot better. I love the layout, I also find it cute. You're a good writer, good job. Keep up the good work(: -Sarah

I come to you via comment swap!! I really like reading this; it was really cute :) I also really liked the banner you have for it. I think this was very well-written and descriptive, but there may have been a few slight grammatical errors. I also liked how you added a flashback; I think they really add to stories. Great job, and keep up the good work!! :D

Alright, the comment swap brought me here. I'm going to assume that English is not your first language by some of the language. The writing is very choppy, so I would (I see I'm not the first) recommend a beta to overlook your work. I'm not going to lie, I was a little confused on the first few chapters. The relationship between Halvo and Julie went from unknown to super-close really quickly, and I was a tad bit confused at the 'big brother' 'little sissy' thing. But anyway, I'm sure with a beta and a little more clarity this could be a good story! Best of luck!

You've already gotten a lot of comments on the choppiness of the writing, so I won't really go into that. Though getting a beta to your writing would be a really good idea. Instead, I really wanted to focus on the imagery in your story. You've given me a lot of dramatic action, showing me everything that is happening in the story, but I'm getting very little in the way of detail to that action. I know that these characters are in a band so they should already be known to the reader, but as the writer you should still describe what they look like, how they act, what they're wearing, etc.

Also, I didn't get much of an idea for the setting they were in. I want to know what it sounded like, what it smelt like, and more. What was going on in this scene besides just the dramatic action that was instigated.

Keep up the good work

your story has great storyline. you just need to work out the kinks. maybe a beta? but i did enjoy it even though i am not a huge fan of the maine. keep up the great work. yoir writting can only get better with time like all authurs

*****commeny swaper!!!

xxxharlowkittie

The story seems interesting but you're writing is very choppy. I wonder if you're first language isn't english but here's some of the mistakes I'm seeing which are easy when you learn them but can kill you if you don't know them. example, As the sun sank down, the boys of the maine and a rocket to the moon was being busy by preparing everything for halvos birthday. There's a lot you could fix about this sentence. first of all 'the boys of the etc, etc, was' Was should be replaced with were. second, busy should stand alone and you should remove the surrounding stuff, like you don't need to say 'Jack's being busy by eating.' You can just say 'jack's busy eating' Short, sweet and effective. I hope that helped out a bit :I haha

The story seems interesting but you're writing is very choppy. I wonder if you're first language isn't english but here's some of the mistakes I'm seeing which are easy when you learn them but can kill you if you don't know them. example, As the sun sank down, the boys of the maine and a rocket to the moon was being busy by preparing everything for halvos birthday. There's a lot you could fix about this sentence. first of all 'the boys of the etc, etc, was' Was should be replaced with were. second, busy should stand alone and you should remove the surrounding stuff, like you don't need to say 'Jack's being busy by eating.' You can just say 'jack's busy eating' Short, sweet and effective. I hope that helped out a bit :I haha

Comment swap brought me here, I just read through the first three chapters. I'm assuming English isn't your primary language, based on the wording of your story. I thought that you did a nice job this far though. I have to agree with the comment before this, it was a little confusing because she didn't seem to know halvo and he didn't seem to know her but then in the second chapter they seemed very close. Other then that I think you have a nice story on your hands!

So i read the first two chapters of this (comment swap sent me here) and I just have to say that the beginning of the second chapter was really confusing at first. I mean in the first chapter Halvo had no idea who she was, and then suddenly he's calling her beautiful and all of this stuff. I felt like it could use more work, like a longer first chapter or something.

Interesting start. I’ve been getting a lot of fan fictions to read today. The Maine fan fic isn’t as bad to read as other ones. You have a good plot going, I don’t spot anything out of the ordinary and the detailing and interactions are great. So well done, keep it up!

{Comment Swap} alright so there are hardly any errors! Your story sounds good so far and I'm glad that your chapters are long!!!!! You'll get way more readers that way! Anyways good luck with your story!!!

Well done. I don't like The Maine, but this isn't painful to read. You have a few usage errors (use commas instead of periods to separate dialogue and dialogue tags, a few missing commas) and your characters seem a bit dull so far, but that might just be because it's so early in the story.

In terms of the plot, it could be very good, so I really hope you'll continue.

Something I'd like to see is a layout. Even a simple one would be nice, because the default is boring and honestly a bit difficult to read on.

Keep going! <3

I'm not really a follower of the band, but it seems as if you really have something going here. It seems as though you have a clear direction with this, and your writing talent will definitely lead you directly to your goals :) Good luck with your story!