July 9th, 2012 at 05:50am
Urgh sorry; typing this on my phone is problematic. This is legitimately interesting, I won't lie. Nice little bite of horror.
Was there a reason she wasn't disturbed by the man in her kitchen though? I feel like she should have been more panicked and worried at the sight of him, as clearly he was deranged. I liked this though, very clever, very nice. Good luck!
It felt a bit rushed to me. Like, you were so eager for her to get up and have the man tell his story (which he told brilliantly, btw.). However, both the story and the ending would have a much more chilling effect if you spent just a bit more time setting up the plot. The first line is really good, because it pulls the reader in; wonderful hook. But maybe you should actually explain the nightmares?
Or, go even further and start at the first time the man appears in her kitchen. Idk, I felt like I didn't really get to know the character or her terror with this man. Like I was catching the tail end of a really good horror film. You have to build up to the ending.
And she was so casual with the man when she finally decided to speak with him. I totally get why she went to talk to him: she thought it was the only way to get him to leave. But solution or not, it's still terrifying to talk to a lunatic who creeps into her house every night. So make sure you develop that fear that she has listening to him.
As you can see, the idea of this interested me A LOT (since I've officially written the longest comment ever given on a story in the history of Mibba), but I think you have something really, really good here. Plus, I'm from comment swap; it's my job to help you improve. ;)