He Made Everything Better - Comments

So I just stumbled across this and decided to check it out... I'm really bummed to see it was never continued/finished. :(
You had a really great story going. I'm really curious with what happened toward the end there; what was Alex doing with that other girl? Why was he flirting with her? :O He just broke Beth's heart and we never got to see more. :/
The only major thing that seemed off with this story is how the plot line played out. She was working at a coffee shop, and Alex almost seemed like more of an original character, not being in a band, but the owner's son. I found it a bit weird though how they were just suddenly picked up as a band, and we never got more background on him with being in the coffee shop with his dad, how the band started, etc. There was just this large gap that went from the coffee shop to the touring, so I'm a bit confused on how you would've had it all play out had you continued. It could work, it just needed more detail and transitioning there between the two.
But other than that, I thought this was really cute and again, bummed that it was never finished. It seems that you were considering rewriting, but just never did. If you do rewrite this, or even just pick up with it again just to get it finished, I will be here to read. Would love to know what happens between Beth and Alex. I think you're a great writer, and again, this story is pretty great.
It's been a few years since you last posted, but I have hope that you could come back. I'll be here if you do. <3 Hope that you see my comment, and that it maybe inspires you. :)

Thanks & yes hahaha xxx

'caught up in the holidays'= spending too much time with me ;) xxxxxx

You're not rubbish at writing! Not at all :) x

Haha thanks for the comment I was expecting a long one but not that long and yes I do see how I'm kinda rubbish at writing haha I need to improve a lot I tried spacing it out. I type it up on word first just to check it over but the spacing must get messed up as I always try to make sure that speech is on separate lines however that could be just purely my mistake and I told you I am going to re write this story again I hope next time it will be half decent x

Okay, so this is my comment for chapter two (:

Before I really say much though, let me just get these petty things out of the way: the story’s paragraphs need separating, because they’re all in one block at the moment. There needs to be a single space between each new paragraph and parts of dialogue. Not only does it make the story look less presentable, but you might get reported by someone! D: stories that aren’t paragraphed correctly usually get reported and taken down.

Also, this line here at the beginning isn’t punctuated correctly:

The few days that followed were very similar to the first, even though Beth knew almost everyone that worked in the café every morning she would sit in her car and wait for that one person.

There should be a period/full-stop at the end of the word “cafe” – so, “...even though Beth knew almost everyone that worked in the cafe.” And now in the next sentence, there ought to be a colon at the very end, so it goes like, “Every morning she would sit in her car and wait for that one person: Alex.”

There are a few other mistakes I caught, but I won’t waste this comment pointing them all out. I’ll just move onto the content itself.

Each day the pair got closer and closer.

You should show how the two of them become closer, such as through more conversations and whatnot. I understand that they have been texting each other back and forth, but as readers, we don’t really get any insight into that. It will also help to individualize the characters, so there are some defining qualities between Alex and Beth – consider how Alex talks, and how Beth talks; maybe she’s more proper. Think about what their interests are as well, but don’t have them share the exact same interests; they can get along, but make them different. There’s really very little characterization at the moment, but I do think Alex seems like the silly, cute, fun type of guy – showing up out of the blue like that and taking her out to a club – and you could really play up on that. Beth seems a little more laid-back and serious so far, and so I think it would be really interesting to deepen the contrast between the two of them.

Also, the time intervals seem a little repetitive – 15 minutes passed, 5 minutes passed, ten minutes passed, etc. (also, when you’re referring to a number in a story, you shouldn’t write the actual numeral. So instead, as a grammar rule, it would be, “fifteen minutes passed” etc.) But getting back on track: it isn’t really necessary to mention exactly how much time has passed, and there are many other ways to indicate that a fair amount of time has gone by, such as – A moment later.... Shortly after that....several minutes later....soon after....by that time... you get the idea. But as I said, breaking the events of the story up like that isn’t necessary; instead, you could fill this time with extra details, so then it seems like five or ten minutes in the story has actually gone by without you having to mention it. For instance, instead of saying, “she ran upstairs and returned ten minutes later” you could say, “she ran upstairs and dashed to her dressing table, sitting down to powder her nose and apply some more lipstick. She brushed her hair briefly, clipped some stray strands aside, and then took one final glance at herself in the mirror before hurrying back downstairs.” Bad example, but you can see what I mean :’)

Anyway, overall, you’re doing a good job! :) sorry this comment is so long!

Haha thanks everyone for the amazing comments and thanks to fun_ghoul777 u made me laugh haha but thanks glad u like it xxxxx

Haha thanks everyone for the amazing comments and thanks to fun_ghoul777 u made me laugh haha but thanks glad u like it xxxxx

hey! its me again haha...i just finished chapter nine and I loved it! its prob my favorite so far...I just love hoe it starts out with all the cuteness (the kisses in the bunk) but then is a little sad when alex runs off leaving her on her own. so i LOVED when she got all close to Vinny, hugging him and alex sees and gets jealous. its always been kind of attractive to me when guys get a lil jealous lol...but its even more attractive when they can admit it to their lover ;)...and ohhh myyy goddd the end of this chapter just made my heart swell! haha :)...sorry my comment is all mixed up and i hope it made sense haha anyways...keep up the good writing!

I came across this on the comment swap thing! :) I'm just going to comment on the first chapter to start with, since I don't have time to read the other chapters (I'll be subscribing, so don't worry, I'll get to them!)

I could actually relate to this first chapter really well, right down to the guy taking her number from her job application and contacting her - that happened to me once, hahah. I didn't like the boy much, but it still happened. And this seems a little different from most fan-fictions; I don't read much fan-fiction to start with, but I know the cliches and the stereotypes that often appear in them, such as the girl meeting the band member at a concert and whatnot. The whole idea of her needing a job made it feel much more realistic, but also made it slightly different, because she's not just this helpless girl getting saved by a guy, wallowing up in self-pity, as is the case with most fan fics; she seems independent, and the chance of this guy appearing and texting her isn't that unlikely.

I also liked the part where you mentioned Corrie, hahah. For me at least, that immediately brought me closer to the story :')

The only thing I really want to suggest is, pace it a little slower, so everything doesn't happen in a rush - like in this chapter, she goes to a job interview, goes home, finds out she got the job, heads off for her first day, meets a lad, and flirts with him the same day. Just in future, I would pace all these events a little slower.

Overall though, I really enjoyed reading this chapter! I'll be subscribing :) xox

Thank you and haha i hope you achieve your mission and fishings not that hard xxxxx

I love the name you gave the boss 'Mr. Haddock' I was always thought that would be a great last name and it's my mission in life to go fishing with someone called Haddock... I don't see that happening though because I have no idea how to fish which is a bit of a downer. Anyway, I'm a fan of All Time Low and I like how you've made it unique :)

Keep writing and good luck

Thank you all for the comments :) all of you made my day haha xxx

I really like this story so far! I;m not an all time low fan at all but i like your twist on everything! and I also feel like i can kinda relate to beth in some ways!... definitely just subscribed! :)

Comment swapper here. I'm definitely not an All Time Low fan but I do know of the members. I thought this was greatly unique. I like how they met at the coffee shop instead of at a concert like most fanfics. You've got a great talent and you should definitely continue this. Wonderful job!

1. this was amazing just like you
2. we need to play beer pong
3. chantimmys
4. more people should comment on this
5. jack is mine
i love you more than mikey loves bunny xxxxx

CHANTIMMYS anyway that was once again awesome babe a quick question without sounding purdy when can jack jump into my bed?? just wondering anyway i love you more than jimmy loves chantal, lindsey loves gerard and gerard loves frank xxxxxxx

Dude I love you more than jimmy loves the word CHANTIMMYS and thanks all for the comment they mean a lot xxxxxx

dude this was damn right badass its that awesome i MAY HAVE TO START TYPING LIKE JIMMY *naaahh i hate people typing like this its freaking annoying* anyway fudging *see what i did there fudging* awesome write more people are so reading this but not commenting which is a bit of a bitch but keep writing <3 love you more than chantal loves the word bitch xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

samsamsamsamsamsam awesome dude the girl has good music taste and guy taste :) that is all xoxoxoxoxoxoxox