Tiger Lilies - Comments

~Comment Swap~

I really like this :D it is really good i will give you that. story line is captivating and characters are developed.

all u need to do is punctuate and revise your grammar. Now, most people don't tell you where or how to improve ur story, but i will be glad to help. Just don't take this too seriously. If you think i am truly stabbing your heart by criticizing, i'm sorry ahead of time. i know some people don't like criticism and take things to heart and get angry. but anyway.
on your first chapter after ~that night~ you drawl out the "hey." since you wouldn't really see that in a published book, you shouldn't put it in here as well. i know the purpose is to emphasize the point, but you can write

"Hey!" he/she drawled out, trying to get my attention.

If you do little things like this, people will take you more seriously as a writer. Readers love stories with good grammar/punctuation, and i know you do too :D if you revise, then i guarantee more readers.

also, when you put in transitions, like Usually, Now, make sure you put commas afterwards. You have it in a few places, but in some, it is missing. also, you tend to forget to put apostrophes in your contractions. you write cant and dont and haddnt instead of can't, don't, hadn't.
otherwise, very well developed. you just need to work on your writing style so it is more coherent and fluid.

(Comment swap)
The layout looks better! Much more readable! I know I already commented, but this is the story it gave me! SO, I'll add a few more things to my comment. Make sure you look through your writing and punctuate, that includes capitalization, in the right sentences. I know I miss things like that, but its always great to read through your story once, twice, or multiple times. All in all, the story line is great and I love that it's suspenseful and hard to guess what happens next! I already subscribed last time I read it! Like I said before, I can't wait to read more. :)

ike the previous two people have said, the layout is really hard to read so I'd definitely change it. That aside, I was immediately drawn into your story from the moment I read the summary. I was kind of disappointed by the dialogue and general style the story was written in. However, previous people have said they like the writing style so maybe it's just my personal taste? Overall I feel like the seriousness of the citation you've introduced here requires a more mature (I don't really want to use that word because it sounds so negative, but I can't think of anything else; I don't think your writing is immature though!!) style of writing.

I had to switch to default layout cause it was too bright and hurt my eyes. This isn't really my type of story but I've read some like this before. I think you're story is fine- though I've only read chapter 1- but I feel like your diction (aka word choice) needs work as other comentors have also noted and a little revision would go a long way in taking your teenage-ese words to the maturity that goes along with a NC-17 rating. Best of luck!

I was really drawn into this from the beginning and can't wait to hear the rest! The only thing is the background. Maybe a darker color for the words, but that's about it.

Comment Swap :3
Layout It's really bright, and a little hard to read. Maybe a darker font and a better place for the Lilies?
Content I found quite a few spelling mistakes, but I'm way too tired right now to point them all out. Other than that, this story is... it's definitely something that I'm into. I usually write stories like this, and I'm happy to finally be able to read one.

I really like the concept and the first chapter drew me in straight away. I love your style of writing and how it flows and the description. I'm intrigued to find out what happens and the development of the characters. I love what you have created with the simple 26 letters of the alphabet we are all supplied with and I look forward to reading more of this beautiful creation. :)

i think this turned out good! definitely a nice first chapter to get people interested, with the cliffhanger at the end "my dear, welcome to your own personal Hell...". the only thing i really notice are just some spelling mistakes or punctuation, like in the sense of in the very beginning when the guy says "Hhhhhheeeeeyyyyy" i think it'd be better to just write 'hey' but maybe italicize it for emphasize, it makes everything look a little more put together. just things like that! otherwise, good job so far!

Comment swap was kind enough to send me a story that doesn't suck this time! Woo!
But seriously, good story :) The concept is good, and I enjoyed reading. A few spelling errors here and there, but nothing too distracting.

Brilliant writing. I love the concept and your writing style is superb. Your flow and description use is near flawless and that's hard to find these days where both compliment each other so well.The dialogue flows very nice.
I am intrigued to find out what happens with the characters and how they develop. The way you write can definitely captivate someone. This idea is new and different.
I absolutely love the world you've created. I really enjoyed reading this and I am quite excited waitng for more chapters. :)

yayy good start!

hi i'm sure your story rocks but i can't for the life of me read it. you should change your font. it's all scrunched together and the letters are on top of each other and stuff. can't wait to read it!