Dead Walking - Comments

Not exactly sure where this is going since there was no description.. but I will say you have peaked my interest with the first chapter.

As for the writing and such, I don't see where you done such a bad job. I saw no misspelled words and the grammar was right so you don't have to worry about those annoying people that think they're cool just because they point out people's mistakes lol.

On to the not so good. You should space out your paragraphs a little better, some people are picky and will turn away from your story for small reasons like that. And I think it could use a little more detail than it had instead of jumping from the car ride, to getting to the house and then the next day.

But overall it was pretty nice and even though I'm no fan of MCR or the members, I will continue reading this.

I love this. simples.

My Chemical Romance, Nough said. Love this story; the background is appealing the story is interesting and enticing I couldn’t stop reading it until the chapter was over and I wanted to keep reading :) I can’t wait to read more ^.^ Even for 4 am writing this is really good I hope to read more soon. SO glad I use comment swap :D Wouldn’t have found this otherwise I’m so recommending!

(Comment swap!)
I'm not a My Chemical Romance fan but whatever. I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan and I could not imagine moving to New Jersey. I like how this is unique compared to other fan fictions. Band fanfics can be really unoriginal. No grammar or spelling mistakes. I liked it.

I liked the beginning of this!
The fact that she's away from her friends and the people she loves, she's living in a place where she doesn't want to stay... And I liked Frank's introduction, too. The rebel boy :P
I think this is a great start, to be honest, and I'm excited as to where this is going to lead the story :)
The only problem I found was the paragraphs. You should space every single paragraph (that includes the dialogues), but other than that I didn't find any mistake that caught my eyes.
Great job :)
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You need to fix your layout - it's focused to the left and the writing on the left hand side is too close to the edge.

You build the start up well then it just goes... flat. 644 miles away from my friends. after that sentence, get a little creative. What did her friends represent that makes her miss them? 644 miles from happiness, laughter, nights spent staring at the night sky etc. etc.

Speech needs to be spaced out like paragraphs. And every single paragraph should be spaced out; even small paragraphs.

and ugh you really need to fix the layout, how close the side is seriously drives me crazy.

I cut her off, mid sentence, "Me, a good example? HA. Now that's funny." this would be more effective if the speech came first, then where it occurred. It doesn't sit right with me the way it currently is.

This crap isn't easy..." As her mother, I would expect her to speak like a mother. While I'm aware mother's have a very colorful vocabulary, I find myself doubting that one would directly contradict herself after scolding Audrey for swearing.

old, looked kinda creepy that comma needs to be a semi colon. awwww'ed" at it. Five year old's are that comma also needs to be a semi colon, and when used in written language is only 'aw', or an a rare occasion 'aww' the dragging out of a word is usually specified after speech. e.g. "Aw" cooed my brother, dragging out the word unnecessarily.

you think of the house?", she smiled. comma after the speech marks is surplus. Same for every other time you've done it; go back and edit all of them.

There are a lot of sentences beginning with 'I'. I have no idea where you are in your education, but I've suffered through countless years of being told to vary my sentence starters and join simple sentences when ever possible and appropriate to the layout.

I find it... difficult to get my head around the fact she only just arrived in New Jersey and already knows the way to school, and what to do. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I do believe that when people move they are given a week or so by the school to acquaint themselves with the environment, and indeed are given an introduction. I think you need to access how realistic this situation actually is, as well as other events within the story.

Audrey must be tiny, little Frankie is only 5'4 aw c:

Well, over all this is a good story; not a very original plot, however, and your grammar and layout needs some work. It does have potential, though, so I wish you luck with continuing this, and I hope you take my suggestions into count. As a side note, I would like to mention I would be happy to beta for you if you require one. Keep writing<3

Is it odd that when you said Audi was moving to New Jersey I INSTANTLY KNEW it was going to be some sort of MCR fanfic? I personally love Frank Iero, hell, I love the whole enchilada of MCR, so you can say I'm stoked because this seems like its going to be really good. Classic tale of the badass teen mcr<3
It is cliche, however, that he singled her out and gave her a stare, they shouldn't have had an introduction like that, ya know?
But great story, none the less.

I like how realistic this is and I like the slight bitterness of the character; I have a love for bitter people. There was nothing bad that I saw :) it's just the lyout has a problem for me, I had to bend my computer to read it >.< but either than that keep it up :)