Endings Are Hard. - Comments

Summary
Titles do not end with a period. With a lot of short story writers, they skim over the summary. I just want to say you are cheating yourself of an opportunity to allure readers in. Also is the title of the story the title or is the chapter title the title? See how confusing that can be. Use one title and just put 1/1 as the chapter title.

Content of Story
This story is best in third point of view, which you did. So points for that. The tricky part of third person is conveying someone's thoughts. There was one mistake which was: She thinks to her self, how many times have I drove on this road; it'd be impossible to wreck here. I'll just them to settle down when we turn.

Correct sentence: She thinks to herself," As many times as I've drove on this road, it would be impossible to wreck here. I'll just tell them to settle down when we turn."

OR

She thinks to herself, How many times have I drove this road? It'd be impossible to wreck here. I'll just tell them to settle down when we turn.

These are just examples of how to fix that sentence. Another thing I'd like to point out is detail. Your story requires a lot of detail. You are trying to deliver the power message: distracted driving is deadly. Don't skim on the details. If you are a fast thinker and your fingers can't quite keep up as you write, then just write. But go back and read what you've written to see what details you can add.

Transitions between scenes and points of view are lacking. Instead of using x's, try *** or something along those lines. Also make sure that even putting that point of view in there adds to the story. If it's just a filler then lose it. Make the point of view change worthwhile, not just one paragraph.

I absolutely commend you for taking on such a powerful message to send. It's a great story that just needs some further development.

Conclusion

So just to go over what I've touched on: Title, point of view, detail, transitions, and selling your powerful message. Please take a look at what I've suggested. I'm not trying to down you. I am trying to make your story, your message that much more powerful. I hope to read the revised piece soon!

This was a very tragic tale to read, but I'm glad I did. Like previous comments, yes, there are a few grammatical/punctuation errors, but not so many that the story is impossible/difficult to read. I am not so much of fan of the dark background behind the text, mainly because it is hard to read, yet at the same time, I feel that it adds something to what you're trying to say :) (Random, but I love the name Dayton) Sure, there are a few minor things that could be tweaked to make the writing more pleasing to the reader, but I think you successfully sent a powerful and strong message here. Bravo!

Like LettersToNormandy said, you've got a few punctuation issues and I felt like the writing was a little choppy in places. You could have spent a lot more time describing the crash. Maybe have each character describe what it's like from where they are or something. That's just such a huge part of the story and I feel like you rushed it. I do like the way Alii described dying, however, it was raw and it was honest. Keep up the good work.

Depending on what your character is doing before speaking, you need to alternate between commas and periods accordingly. like 'Dean laughs and leans over to kiss her shoulder" Should have a period, as it's an action other than said, laughed, squealed, whispered, screamed, ect. Anything that denotes vocalization needs a comma. Anything like what you had, or danced, walked, picked up, things like that, you'll want to use a period, just a heads up.

Everything up unto the paramedic speaking it so fantastic, the paramedic just doesn't sound so... real... nothing like the rest of the story. It just felt very unprofessional.

Oh my god, Alli's death was shudder-worthy. Like whoa. Very well written there.

I liked this. I liked the death, and the stress of it getting to Dayton. It was very well played. Thanks for the lovely read!

Well that was rather tragic. I'm going to get a little nit-picky though, I hope you don't mind.

The title was a little long, it kind of turned me off from the story at the beginning. I think something like "Endings Are Hard" without the rest of it might work better.

I liked the background of the layout, but I wasn't a fan of the blue title with the black background and the grey font. It seemed like a bit too much going on and the grey was a little hard to read on the black.

I liked your plot, but I think it would have been a bit better if you added more descriptions, because it seemed pretty rushed. Explaining the crash in more detail and how the characters were feeling and what not would make it easier for the reader to picture what was going on and it'd be a bit more effective.

Also, the doctors seemed a little unprofessional in the story, but that's another situation entirely so it was all good aha.

The ending was really cute, I like how Dean was there for Dayton (:

Overall, good job! :)

This was sad but rather nice. There were some some small spelling troubles and the like but it wasn't distracting, just something I noticed. But over all I liked it and it's sad and sort of bittersweet. (: I like this very much and please keep up the good work

This is so sad and so pretty. It's written nicely. There are some minor spelling and grammatical errors, but nothing major. It does feel a little rushed, but it's written in a way that makes it believable and it flows relatively well. Your characters are a little under-developed, but they're still easy to relate-to and are still believable as well. Nice story, good job :)