Celeste 1 - Comments

Not sure if English is your first language? If not, than most of the mistakes made are easily forgiven. But even so, this is extremely hard to follow. You must remember when writing, to always keep in mind that your writer has no idea about your concept, characters, plot, world, etc. You almost have to spoon feed the reader in a lot of senses. You have to introduce characters, not just shove them in. Describe them, make them three dimensional. Make sure you’re clear with your reader about what is happening. Read over your work with the mindset that you have no idea what the piece of writing is about and see if it still makes sense. Also, I could pick up that your character is in some kind of magic school I’m assuming. You need to make that way more clear from the beginning. I had no idea until suddenly centaurs and stuff are being thrown in and I was like, “okay, what is going on?” You need to flesh this out more. Also some punctuation issues, but punctuation is hard, especially if English isn’t your first language. Keep it up and keep practicing!!

Hi there!

I'm here from Comment Swap - so here's my initial impression... At first I got the sense that English wasn't your second language. I did see your profile, so knowing that you're from Sweden (whoo!) is totally a help to understanding the way you wrote this. I could tell that you were making an effort to expand the words you were using throughout each paragraph - my suggestion is to really keep it simple.

I would suggest you check out George Orwell's 6 Rules of Writing. These rules helped me out quite a bit. One of them states, "Never use a long word where a short one will do." It's important to be okay with using less complex words so that your story might come across a little clearer.

I'd also recommend just reading as many published English novels as possible, because the number of people who go through and edit those is incredible, and they are likely to be at the level of grammar and syntax that you're looking for. You should also pull back just a little on the commas; I noticed an extreme number of commas breaking up your sentences. Use commas sparingly; you want to use them only when, in speaking, you would say it with a significant pause. If you say it out loud and don't hear a pause there, a comma isn't needed.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful! I think your concept is really interesting, but as the previous commenter said, the potential of the story is sort of being held back by execution in syntax and grammar. Thank you!!

Admitedly as confused as many of the other readers here, I don't get why you're doing the story the way you are, wouldn't it be easier to do chapters instead of a new story for every installment.

The whole chapter felt disjointed, there weren't really clear transitions, or they were clear but felt choppy and rushed.

You definitely have a unique story that isn't something I've come across much Mibba, that I think has great potential but you're execution is holding it back.

I'm guessing I'm missing some important information in the prequel, but I haven't read that. I like the idea that I can sort of see behind this. But the writing is choppy and there are several spelling errors. I know there are some people on mibba who are happy to act as editors, maybe you should look into that.

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Is it possible that I missed something in the prequel? (I just noticed that it is there.) Because, not only am I lost on the bracelets but also with the different creatures you seem to introduce. Is Celeste one of those beings? And should I read the prequel to understand more?

Slightly confused... But, it is just the first installment. :) The intrigue of not knowing everything keeps one coming back for more. Looking forward to reading the next bit.

I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as to what is going on. I don't understand what the bracelets are or why Celeste is looking for them. Also, I don't really get an idea of what Celeste and Eponey are like from this... I don't really know what age they are, what they might look like, etc. A few more descriptions and explanations would help the story immensely. Also, look out for grammar and spelling slip-ups, there are a few.
On the other hand, the idea seems original and could be very interesting. Your writing isn't bad at all, it just needs a little more clarity. I wish you luck with this story and your other writing :)

I'm assuming this story has a prequel that I have not read, because I don't quite understand what's going on. I'm quite intrigued, but I quite honestly I don't think you do your idea justice. The thing is, your idea is very interesting and I'm sure your characters are as well (although we don't really get to know them), but you don't really describe. The events aren't described and the characters aren't described, and that's quite a shame because it would really bring up this story. An example is that you keep mentioning all these interesting classes, but we don't get so know what's so interesting about them. I'd suggest you look over the story, using more decription (but don't over describe), and it would really help because your idea is very interesting. I'd like to know more! The best of luck with your story, and I hope you take my advice into account!

Dear the4PonyGirls,

I was reading through your story and it was difficult. You should introduce what is going on before going through a scene, or describe the scene and the importance of why you mentioned things. Like why you mentioned the bracelets, or the random animal you couldn't understand.
Also, you should edit your stories, there are some long sentences and a lot of grammar mistakes. Also, you can add a lot to your story with varying sentence length. Here's an awesome example:
"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

All the best writing.