Hell and Glory - Comments

@ SmilingScarlet
Ha! Thanks! I'll definitely think about doing something soon! I still have the plot layout saved somewhere...

Oh my God! I LOVE THIS! please update it sometime!

Oh my goodness, there is just so much that I love about this! The opening is incredible in my opinion. It has this mellow vibe to it, I can't really describe what it's like. I love the descriptive language you use.
There is also a level of mystery in the opening sections of the story. It's fantastic!

i was hoping you'd add more!!!! keep writing this one too! xoxo- elise

Your new chapters are amazing. I love how you are using a non-linear timeline. It's so interesting! The story has edges in my mind from the first chapter and the young Maxim chapters and the pieces in the middle are being filled up. Truly awesome! I hope you keep writing! Your unique story and take on it are such fun to read!

I love how the main character battles with himself. My favorite paragraph is;

"But you aren’t here. You’re at home. You’re probably pacing, probably sleepless, probably worried, wondering where the hell I wandered off to. I hate to leave you like that. I hate to just up and leave. I tell you everything. Well, almost everything. But it was for your own good, or maybe it was just for mine. In retrospect, the lying only ever helped me. It hurt you. I guess, in a way, it hurt me too. Was that what you were trying to show me? Were you trying to save me? That wouldn’t be out of the ordinary. You reveled in being my hero. You made sure you were always there. I wipe a stray tear from my cheek and sigh. I hate realizing when I’m wrong, and right now, I’m definitely wrong."

I like the story, it's pretty interesting. :)

Dear popular mechanics.,

We have arrived here today in your house of steel and mechanical ingenuity on behalf of the King. He has been searching for you.

The King has literary objectives and, we, the Legendary Knights of Comment Swap have come to direct and commend you.

This young child that has been brought forth in the summary has his entire life exposed. Our King is incredibly offended. In his own life he was a child prodigy and would never want his great and detailed life to be summed from toddler to adult in a few short sentences. In a summary before his heroic memoir begins no less!

This is the main reason we are here. Although the King spots editing errors seventeen and a half pages away and sent us for this as well, he has come after your lack of description on your child prodigy.

We, Knights, feel that the King has taken this a few sentences too personally, however, he is our ruler and we do his bidding. Also, we are getting a lot descriptive criticism on how to write his memoir. We plan to surprise him on his birthday. Don't tell him.

We have a Knight trained in Reporting. He specialized in Website Cleansing. You have been warned.

Reading your story is quite interesting, we were not expecting this at all. There is some detailed thought going on. We believe it could become even better with more details, thus, don't try to be mysterious it throws off readers. The more details the more we can believe you. Knights, of course, are never thrown off.

You have a back and forth between the present and the thought process. We believe adding the setting of the present would enhance your story. The cigarette addiction is part of the present, but the detail on it is too much. We can't see the point. He already said in detail that he is addicted and can only get off on his own. Mentioning the setting grounds the story. The readers won't feel like they are floating with your characters in empty imaginative space.

Also, this thought process is really nice to follow, we get to see how the character thinks rather being told most of it. To make the character only come through make sure to describe everything. So when the character feels anxiety during the sun rise, describe it. Don't tell us that he has anxiety, show us. His head could turn away from the light, he might turn his back, he might start to pace or shake, or start to fidget under the rays.

Since the summary poked at the destructive career of the main character we are wondering more about that then this person that comforts them. Although the comforting person is interesting, you should link them more with the main point. Or you could hide the main point as the King suggests and let it come in in due time in a coming chapter.

In the paragraph you mention the twin brother and the actions the character did in the past-moving in with the comforting person- we finally get a view of the people in the main characters life. And we want more than a glimpse. Who are these "Knights" and Helpers to this child prodigy? Tell us about them a little more. You mentioned them, yet, they are major and important figures in his life. They need some importance in your story similarly.

Also, when he is walking back home and he shoves past people and they talk to him, put it in dialogue. Don't tell us what the people said. Show us.
Don't tell us that "I pay no attention to anybody else. Just keep staring ahead. Just keep walking. I can’t get you out of my head. I don’t want to fight." Instead maybe describe how he would portray these things. This is a story not a conversation. You can detail everything as much as you want and the reader and noble Knights will read through it to and feel the importance of it, or guess at it's importance.

Or if you want to be really clever you could describe how he feels as he walks, how he is thinking and then just have dialogue thrown towards him, or his feeling of being physically shaken. Since he is so mentally withdrawn with his thoughts it would be interesting to be "woken up" with that kind of a scene. It's like a slap in the face. Although, it is not honorable to slap anyone in the face.

The Knights commend you on your details about the pain and almost fainting of the main character. It's showing us what is going on. You never used the word heart attack, or spasm, or some disease. You used details! Although to clarify you can use dialogue of course.

Also, the king wanted us to specially compliment your simile of a watercolour painting. You could describe that even more using art and artistic language with brush strokes and blurs.

Your second chapter is really interesting! And really depressing. What a crazy "mother." The Knights and I have been debating whether she deserves that title at all. Our specialist in Website Cleansing even shivered. He is reconsidering backing up our threat.

We plan on telling him to keep his word, on his honour of course. Knights are very fond of being heroic. So keep the secret safe, or we will have you in an elaborate tale in moments!

By the way, although you have impressed the specialist, the Dialogue Knight wants to see more dialogue. I know it's surprising. He usually doesn't speak up. Rather than say: She was exercising her willpower, she would say.
Make the mother say it. In between all this excessive exercise and dieting she should say: "I am exercising my willpower. I am the strongest woman alive!" and then she should cackle. Our Laughter Knight says that cackling rather than giggling would be appropriate here.

Overall, we believe some editing is in order, and we look forward to reading the rest! Also, we really love Ingrid teaching him German and want to hear more about this twin brother and this amazing fame of the main character.

All the best writing. I hope you enjoyed my literary obsessed Knights commenting on your story.

Hello. Well, let's get started. This story has potential from what it looks like till now, you have mistakes here and there but nothing too major. I like the fact you describe things even though it's a bit too much. Also since it was mentioned, what music is he part of? not just 'pop' ? I had to ask that like the user below me commented. And I agree with the comment below.
Keep on writing and you will get better at it. :)

(Comment Swap) "was damaged" is "was a damaged"?
(Chapter 1)
"(I know precious your sleep is to you)", is "(I know how precious your sleep is to you)"
"I want lay beside you" is "I want to lay beside you"?
Senmtenses are short, maybe too short, making it feel shaky.
Guess it is easy to follow the momen of this poor man.
Can only guess the words, the vocabulary is what weaves the mist of his situation?
Maybe the story needs more about him, his life, as it had been? Who he was? Something more solid, on both the 2 characters?
Is there to be a continuation, since I can't quite see it end here.
If he died, there needs to be a conclusion on that part, just like there needs to be something on her reaction.
Not sure if the family, or the world needs to be in on it.
I'd see some more on these 2 main characters, though.
Maybe to see more of the home they made for themselves too?
Since it was mentioned, what music is he part of? not just 'pop' ??