Disgrace - Comments

(comment swap)

Your layout is fantastic! Super easy to read. I agree with the others that grammar and spelling are flawless. I liked this story. It was very different and I cannot wait to see what happens next!

I have no idea why but comment swap is making me comment agian.

I like the layout, it's simple and easy to read from.
The story plot is so interesting and original.
Your spelling and grammar is flawless and I can't find a single mistake.
I really enjoy this story and I can't wait to see what happens next!

I like the layout, it's simple and easy to read from.
The story plot is so interesting and original.
Your spelling and grammar is flawless and I can't find a single mistake.
I really enjoy this story and I can't wait to see what happens next!

Your chapter is too short! I'm eager to see her new life but this chPtee only brought her in the castle! Update soon!

Hello, again! That comment apparently didn't seem to count/there's a glitch in the system. But I figured I'd comment again, just to see if maybe this one counted and helped me out of my little predicament. Anyway, again, amazing story. I think it's really cool and original. I'm always amazed at orginal stories like this, I'm amazed at how the author can think of such amazing things and write it so beautifully too. Great job. Please update soon!

I found this through comment swap, and I am really glad I did! This is amazing. I love how original it is. I really like the idea of a schande. You are a very good writer, I love how you described everything and your dialog is amazing. I almost stopped at one chapter, but decided to go on and read all of them. I'm subscribing, because I really want to see what's going to happen next! I like Derrick so far, he seems like a cool cat. And I love Adalena too, that's a very different name. What her mother did was terrible. I didn't see any mistakes anywhere, so that's a plus. Your banner is lovely, and the layout is great too. Awesome job!

Comment swap!

This is brilliant! The first paragraph was strong and intriguing and had my heart pumping. I was scared for the girl.

Another really good aspect of this is the mystery behind what's happening to her. It's a good leverage to keep your reader reading. Maybe you could bounce on that more by holding off on giving information and instead provide clues to what happened/is going to happen?

All in all this was really good. Keep it up!

The comment swap brought me here! The first thing I have to say about this story is that it immediately drew me in. Your hook is excellent and it definitely caught my eye. The concept is marvelous, your execution is flawless, and I really enjoyed it. The only thing that threw me off a bit was the man trying to take advantage of her. It was all a bit sudden, but then again that's how it really would be. Excellent job!

Ah, comment swap isn't always boring :-) And though the swap makes it mandatory to read atleast one chapter, I read all 4 uploaded(:, thought you should know. Your story was interesting, to say the least. I really would like to know what a Schande(sp?) is. The idea was quite creative though I feel as this is gonna be one of those "discovering yourself" stories, which isn't a bad thing, I was just mentioning, lol. The layout also goes perfectly with the story, I might add.

I hope my comment helps you. I honestly love your story and have subscribed. I just want to give suggestions to make it better. Well, and to pretend to be a group of smart knights. :P

All the best!

Dear ehoodle,

The King has sent us for you. There have been whispers and torn notes spread throughout the Kingdom of the terror of the few that found your story. They claim that it is dark. They croak out that their blood ran cold. They screech that the others never made it back alive.

Thus, we were sent. The Knights of Comment Swap. To evaluate your story, bring it to it's true depth and find out if these rumors were true.

It is true your story is dark, however, the layout is the scariest part. It is true there was blood involved, the unfortunate child, and the letters in the picture. It is true that many wouldn't come back to read this, but that is because they are likely waiting,as there are not many chapters to read yet. But in due time young one.

As Knights we can see that your story wants to be deeper, more horrifying, a pull into a whole world of intricacies.

So, shall we begin?

Your summary is intriguing. However playing with sentence length and adding in more descriptive, less mysterious/vague words , would help. Here is a message from the King:

" Play with sentence structure and length young ehoodle. Bring your words to life.

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Your first chapter calls to the imagination, but the plot isn't added to by this dream. Let's focus on your first paragraph. Firstly, you need to hint at what it is for. Also,you show us more than you tell us. So rather than tell us the running was more desperate, show us. Show that her heart beat speeds up, her legs start to crumble under her weight, mud bakes itself onto her toes. See these details call to the imagination, make the readers, and Knights alike, wonder if she is getting stuck in place or if she has fallen.

Also, don't say what your character is NOT doing. Only tell us what they are doing, it allows you to bring in more details, avoid uninteresting details, and allows you to drop hints. You could drop hints or messages about what the dream was about for example.

Also, if this is just like a dream, describe it more with dream-like details,foggy, less understanding of setting, more thought, and show us the dream first and we can see for ourselves that the dream is coming true when you bring the same detailed scene back again..

And if she is not looking back in the dream, instead say that she is focused on going forward.

If she begged her legs to go forward show us. Don't tell us. She could use italics and speak out to her legs in desperation. Please don't give up! Just untill that rock, just past this next field. Please legs, keep fighting!

Another point about the dream is that you don't even use this first paragraph as part of the plot! The King was horrified that this intense scene wasn't brought or linked to anything. It seems like you brought it in for interest and left it

Although we have read you entire tale we wish to focus primarily on this first chapter so as to save some time. The King wrote out a seven kilogram letter for you, however, as noble Knights we are seeing to shorten it for you in this message.

Bring in details, dialogue, descriptions, and imagery. Don't tell us everything, show us.
Don't leave out stories of her horrible childhood, bring them in with dialogue and descriptions of her mother. Your story plot is immensely unique don't let cliches cover it up!

Cliches are those familiar plots, characters, scenes, phrases and stories. They are over used which makes them cliche. The familiarity of them, however, draws us to them. Avoid them! You are an Author Warrior! Fight these cliches off for your legendary tale, fight them off to show your true mind, let not the evils of cliches guide your story. Take your story by the hand and take it to the mountains and heights of wherever you please.

Fill the pages of the story like the mind of the narrator would be filled. If her mother was horrible and kept her locked up and beat her, shouldn't she think about this a lot? Bring more attention to it. Use her thoughts.

Being mysterious is fine, but being vague is not. Be specific. Bring in characters, plots and settings in for a reason.

Before we go, one last thing. Remember that your character does not know everything. Your character is naive. If she doesn't know about people let her be socially awkward, let her question people out loud and let us see the noble side characters be horrified at how blunt or childish she is. Point her confusion out with her behaviour and the reactions of other characters and the setting. Use the setting!

In the dark tunnel for example, the smelly one, the Knights kept floating off into the imaginative space of your story. Lack of details. You need to keep the reader focused with your tale by grounding it with setting. Also, don't speed things up if you can tell a story or build a relationship. The story goes at your pace, take as long as you want and take as much space as you want.

Bring your story where you wish. We hope that this noble message brought you roses rather than thorns. Hope rather than grief. Chocolate rather than brocolli.

Write on young author, we await the legend you will become.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

Comment Swap~
Your writing is very urgent, like the emotion of the character is coming through to the words. I really like that actually. The layout works with the story very well as well. The plot is nice, ut you could use more details.

I think this is a really interesting idea, but the first chapter was really fast paced. I felt like there was too much information included and instead of pacing it so the information was spread out, it was all in the same place.

I really liked your descriptions though, they were really well done. Your sentence structure was also nice and almost everything felt like it flowed well.

But yeah, I'd just say try to pace the story a bit better, because I feel like after reading the first chapter I know most of the plot.

God job though :)

(Comment Swap)

This is very nicely done. Bravo! I love this. But in your summary it is very wordy and you need to find a way to type what you are trying to say in a different way... If that made any sense at all.

I love your title (I love one worded titles, weird I know) and your layout is just perfect! Perfect for your story.

Your sentance structure is amazing. And everything is gramitacally correct for this time era.

Your plot is so amazing it sounds like a movie if you know what I mean. The way you write things down, I can literally feel the modernity and the majestic era. You have great potential and I hope you keep writing. I highly suggest you publish this. If you need a publisher, talk to me, I have a very reliable resource.

Comment Swap:

This is amazing so far; the story plot is so unique and the writing is beautiful. The spelling and grammar are impeccable and your use of formality in language is such a beautiful thing to read, being a fan of the 1700-1800’s era and their use of the english dictionary. I cannot wait to see where you take this story, and I hope you keep your love for writing this story! x

~~Comment Swap

I think your writing is amazing. Your plot is intriguing, partly because a lot of the stories posted on Mibba are really different. I only caught this once, but I'm telling you just in case. There was a time in your writing where you repeated the same phrase about a sentence after. First paragraph of the first chapter, you said the phrase "silent tears" about twice. Maybe I was the only one who caught it, but I think it would benefit your writing to change up the vocabulary. This story is going to be something great! Keep writing, keep smiling! :)

Adalena is such a beautiful name! Very unique. The story at the beginning is fast paced and intense. You have a great portrayal at the beginning - just slow it down a little bit and picture it out like you would a movie. Other than that you have great description, and great promise to a interesting and unique plot. Keep up the wonderful writing!

This story has an interest premise, but it seems like it's really jump and moving a little quickly for the first chapter. I would like to see things a little more spaced out and progressing a little more naturally. I can see this as a third chapter, but I don't really enjoy it as a first.

I thing that you have a great idea, but I would like to see it come to life rather than being told everything.