This Can't End Well - Comments

Well comment swap bought me here.You have some mistakes. For example, the commas. You needed to put them after they we're done talking and after the quotation marks. The story goes so fast and has no details which you should add. Also these types of story are common so try your best to make it different. Good luck

Hello. :) Well, let's get started, shall we? :D The main idea of your story (a girl in a all boys boarding school) isn't really interesting and to tell you the truth there are a bunch of stories like these. The first chapter didn't pull me in at all. There were a few mistakes here and there, and you have to use commas more. I think you should try making your story more interesting. You can turn your story to a diamond if you try and don't give up on writing, just get better at it. XD That's all I can think of telling you so bye for now. :)

Comment Swap brought me here:
Alright I’m gonna get right down to business:

The title should be completely capitalized like This Can’t End Well
The summary is a bit confusing, I literally had to read it out loud and then I still couldn’t understand. I think you meant: Even better what made the school think this was a good idea?.
As for the chapter itself, the first thing I noticed is that there is a space after the opening “ and the first word, there shouldn’t be any space and it really sticks out in the story. You’re also missing several important punctuations after the close of quotations and such.
Examples:
" Honey wake up we gotta catch our flight if you want to go to school" Mom said
" I don't think it's such a good idea to send her to that school Patty" Dad said
" Well Lilly is smart there is no way she will let anything happen to her" Mom said

If you go to this it might be able to help you with proper punctuation along with several other things.
Another thing is there’s a lot of said when its mom or dad talking an occasional ask but it gets really repetitive, maybe try to spruce it up with a different word to add variety.

Now, for the story, I was put off by the fact it’s another girl in an all-boys boarding school story. Maybe its just the bad reputation these stories have of all being the same. It as follows: Girl doesn’t want to go but school/parents/school board think it’s a great idea and she’s shipped off across the country. She’s roomed in the same room as a boy [most likely a gay or bisexual who becomes her best friend OR her love interest OR he becomes her worse enemy] as the boys and several boys lust after her but she only likes one of the boys. Some sort of drama involving a teacher/another student ensues to make the story interesting and the story ends happily with the two of them together. Granted, you could be going in a completely different direction but starting off with an oh no! I’m being sent to an all-boys boarding school tends to turn a lot of readers off. Maybe you should have started with a prologue that shows exactly why she’s being sent there. Maybe her parents are religious and she’s bisexual and they don’t like the fact she likes girls so their putting her somewhere where there won’t be any. Maybe she’s a transgender trying to fit into the gender that she wants to be or vice versa. It would really deepen the plot beyond the normal.

Also this line kind of throws off the whole story: "Besides I can always lock myself in my room and stay there until I need to leave, no boys will be able to bother me there" Does she want to be there? Doesn’t she? Why would she defend the situation instead of agreeing with him? Is she just tired of arguing with her parents over going and is just accepting her fate? It’s something that needs to be thought about farther because now it seems like she wants to go.

As for Lilly as a character she has potential if you really work on it, but for right now she’s really flat and her emotions don’t seem generic. She doesn’t seem overly upset she’s leaving her family. She doesn’t seem overly upset to be leaving any friends or the place she knows to move to a school she doesn’t want to go to. And as for the story, it also has potential if you move beyond the stereotypical clichés and develop your attention to detail and emotions along with the plot.

good job , continue please.