April 21st, 2013 at 04:02am
Wow, this is not what I expected at all. I was kind of thinking it'd be a bit cliched (no offense to you), but there's a definite edge of humor in Blake's narrative that makes this quite enjoyable and original. I only read up through chapter two, and I love the ending to chapter two. I just read this as a kind of sarcastic bowl of awesome, if that makes sense!
I guess, going with concerns... since this is going so well, I recommend being extra careful when you work in Blake's relationship with Luke. So far it looks all good, and I really want it to stay that way. Also, I can't wait to find out more about Leslie. I like her character a lot already, even though she hasn't been really introduced in the parts I've read. I also enjoy the relationship Blake has with his mothers.
As for corrections. Be careful with comma splicing. It happened a lot in the first chapter. You had a lot of independent clauses that were just joined together by commas, and that's not correct. While I know that in creative writing there is some definite freedom in terms of grammar, it's still best to try to stick to the guidelines as much as possible. If you separate the sentences, add conjunctions, or add semicolons, that can be corrected. I felt like you were trying to go with a sort of stream of consciousness vibe, but the splices were a bit too distracting. Otherwise, everything else looked good! Keep up this awesome work!
Wow! I am in shock and awe by your comment! I am so glad that I proved to you that this wasn't cliche! I tried to lace it with an immense amount of humor because it could get really dark, sad, and depressing if I didn't. That really does make sense and I hope that you will continue reading!
Yeah, that relationship is tricky, because in so many stories the characters will go from not knowing each other to being in love in two chapters and unless there was a time blip that's usually about two days to a week at most and that's just not realistic at all. Leslie is so intriguing isn't she? And you're right she hasn't had that big of a part, but she will. I really love that relationship, it's unique for sure. (At least in my opinion)
As long as comma splicing is the only mistake you saw I think I am doing pretty good! lol Maybe you could give me a couple specific examples of what I did and what I need to do to fix it? If not I'll try looking over it to see what I can do to correct it.