Smile - Comments

This is really really creepy, really well written but shit! For a second though I thought she was stabbing her kid, but then I went back and reread it a realized I just must not have been paying enough attention.

I really like how well you expression the characters emotions but I really don't get a since of who she is, it's like she doesn't really have an identity and maybe that's better for the story, like she's lost it and now she's just this caretaker to this screaming monster. I also wonder if her son is autistic.

Course then there are all the questions of "UM HELLO AREN'T YOU GONNA GO TO JAIL?"

Really good story, very captivating.

I thought this story was really good. I loved her thought process and it was a really good concept. I liked how she kind of kept switching between hating the kid and then loving him. The story is to the point but it's really interesting.

I like the part where she's killing the guy. She seems to enjoy it until he screams because it reminds her of her son. He screams and she gets angry so she stabs him until he stops. I love the part. I feel like she kind of loses it a little.

The ending was good too. It reminded me of the Joker, how now she's always smiling.

a successfully written creepy story. i really liked that, as you had already written, it were like her thoughts. simple short sentences.
(i suck at comments... but) i really liked this.

I can't help but be reminded of the Joker at the very end. Why so serious? xD

In other news though, I really enjoyed this piece. It grew a little repetitive at the end with the constant, I did this then I did that and he did this and I did that. But it was still very well written. One thing that I really look for in stories is how well someone can write imagery into a story. Yours has a great deal of visual imagery, but I felt it was missing out on some of the other senses. Yes, you spoke of the sounds the characters made and the music at the bar, but sometimes the more hidden sounds fit the best with darker stories like this. For instance, the creaking of the bed as she got back in to kill her lover. Or if she were to have a leaky faucet in her house while she's cleaning off the blade. Things like that can really aid in the story. So yeah, sound, smell, taste, touch, sight - all great pieces to the puzzle. Oh, and don't forget to describe what your characters are wearing!

Also, in some ways I like that you kept the character limit to three, but I feel like you could've added in a few minor roles. Like a mother and her child at the playground too. Or two people playing pool at the bar. It really sets the scene when you add more people.

This is for comment swap:
Interesting and well written. I followed the story line really easy and I loved how it was in a first person point of view, it really benefited it. I kept asking myself if she was suffering from some sort of mental illness and I'm glad you never really said if it was or not because it leaves just a little bit of mystery to the story. Its really great. Recced.