Close Call - Comments

Chapter One:

The sentences and paragraphs seem really long-winded, and it kind of looks like you're more trying to make them all the same size than start and end them where it fits. I'd recommend putting in more actual dialogue in, as well - "show, don't tell" and all. A lot of these sentences could be shortened without losing meaning. I'm not really feeling the "horror" or emotions of the story - again with show don't tell, I guess - and a lot of the details/narration feel unnecessary; like this passage -

"David frowned in disgust on seeing such horror. Despite having been in the police for 18 years, during which he saw dead bodies on a regular basis, he still could not get used to the dreadful horror that laid before him every time. After a time, some cops eventually become insensitive, victims are no longer people but file numbers, but David still felt discomfort when he saw a corpse. He was not particularly against this revulsion though, for it reminded him that he was still human."

- could have been condensed to something like -

"Despite having spent the last 18 years exposed to such horrors, David frowned. Unlike some of his coworkers, he never got used to it. His revulsion reminded him that he was still human."

- and -

"The boy obviously seemed to have caught a glimpse of the criminal: he described the murderer as a tall brownish-haired man with a scar on his right eye. "

- into -

"The boy described the murderer as a tall brownish-haired man with a scar on his right eye."

You don't have to tell everything - trust that your reader is smart enough to figure out that the boy supposedly saw the criminal, and that good ol' Dave is the kind of cop that still cares deeply about human life.

I'm probably not the target audience for this, though. It could be stylistic differences, as I don't read a lot of crime fic. The others are right, it seems to be a rarity on Mibba. Kudos to you for that.

Chapter Two:

I would have liked to see more of David's actual friendship with his partner before this happened. The evidence of his partner being the murderer doesn't seem like it's even close to enough for the police to realistically take one of their own and stick them in the suspect box. Wasn't he at the scene with David? Wouldn't the kid have seen him and freaked out, if it was him? I'm a little confused here.

...Did we just jump from the interrogation room - where no actual interrogation happened - to the crime scene? I'm even more confused now, especially considering the maticulous detailing of the journey from point A to point B we saw in chapter one. Again, I'd like to see some actual dialogue.

Chapter Three:

Is this all in the same day? Cuz, damn, this killer works fast.
Yay, dialogue!

Wow, Dave. That outburst came out of nowhere. Bruh. Chill. Do your job. This is a big city, yeah? Don't you still have other tests to do on that hair? DNA? Is it even human, or is it maybe dog hair? Is it actually hair at all, or some kind of fiber? Can they figure out what sort of nutrients are in it, maybe pinpoint where it's been or what the hypothetical person whose head it fell out of has been eating over the past few months? Come on, don't give up after not solving two murder cases in just a few hours when there's still so much left for you to do.

Wait, what? Okay, cool, good that he hasn't lost hope, but where the heck is he now? Who's asking for a dollar? ...and now he's outside? Man, we went from too much detail in transitions to actually no transitions at all. I'm as lost as you are, Dave.

Chapter Four:

I SEE DIALOGUE. YAY.

I was so excited to see something come from that hair and now I'm just laughing. How do you test if a single hair came from a naturally curly haired head? That kind of stuff changes so easily depending on how it's treated. What if Ricky straightens his hair, anyway? I - what? I feel like there could have been some better science here, idk. Is the teenager the killer?

Okay, but what of this is actual proof, and what about the other murder, have they tied any of that to Om? This seems odd. Idk.

Chapter Five:

Why is a cop not locking his door? Does Evan have a key?
Wait, how did she just hear his heartbeat when she's nuzzling the top of his head?
This is cute.
"I need less tight pants." Omg.
That was very irresponsible, Evan. It's a hair. One hair. It could so easily just blow off the microscope or something. Wow.
MAN THIS POLICE STATION HAS AWFUL SECURITY AND THE IRONY OF THAT JUST. OMG. Also, the witness stole the hair, didn't he? He's the killer? Jeez.

Chapter Six:

It says something that I'm still reading. It's a good story.

GOOD TO SEE WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE, DAVID.

Oh my god. O h m y G O D ! Are Ricky and the kid working together? Omg.

Has this guy slept?

This guy punches a lot of walls. Got some anger issues there, bud. Maybe you should go to cop counseling. Actually, speaking of which, why is he even allowed to continue working on this case if his partner was just arrested for it? Isn't that, like, conflict of interest? Also - who's Henry? Did we hear about this guy before? It's not his boss, is it? Ah, I'll have to go back and look. ...I probably won't.

"Shit again. Whatever though." I giggled.

Seems like the only witness's name would be an important piece of information that he'd, ya'kno, know, and Henry whatever wouldn't have questioned why he wanted to know so much as why he didn't already. *shrug*

I think you spelled schizophrenia wrong.

Why didn't that kid have a password on his phone? If I was doing shady shit, I'd definitely put a password on my phone. I have a password on my phone now, and the shadiest shit I do is sext my fiance. Pretty sure murderers would want more security than that, even ones that just left their phones places police frequented. Doesn't seem like the kind of killer that's hard to catch and thinks things through enough to wipe crime scenes of evidence.

"A little too perfect." THANK YOU.

I like that you pointed out his lack of sleep in the same chapter I started to wonder about it lol. Poor tired detective. *pats*

OHP. LOOK AT THAT. SO HE'S NOT THE KILLER. Aha!

Chapter Seven:

These actions should be on the same line as the dialogue spoken by the person who's doing the thing.

Ah, so Henry was his boss! Oooh, this conversation is juicy.

BOSS ASS PLOT TWIST.

This dialogue is weird. How is she speaking in parenthesis? Her explanation is...weird. She drew scars on her face with a pen? Her brother thought she was some strange man that presumably looks nothing like her?
Well that wasn't okay. These cops don't have much control over themselves, do they? Yeesh.

Epilogue:

Cute.

Overall:

Good plotline. Could use some thorough revision and maybe some extra planning and research.

Wow. First, I'd like to commend you on the wonderful crime thriller that you have written. I think it's beautifully done, very descriptive, and really interesting. It's a very original story that was refreshing to read. I liked the length of the overall story, because I think any longer would have dragged out the plot, and I liked how you kept it simple. One complaint that I did have is that I think you should break up your paragraphs because they are super dense (which can be a good thing), but mostly discourages readers because it is difficult to read. Other than that I think that you did a brilliant job!

Wow. First, I'd like to commend you on the wonderful crime thriller that you have written. I think it's beautifully done, very descriptive, and really interesting. It's a very original story that was refreshing to read. I liked the length of the overall story, because I think any longer would have dragged out the plot, and I liked how you kept it simple. One complaint that I did have is that I think you should break up your paragraphs because they are super dense (which can be a good thing), but mostly discourages readers because it is difficult to read. Other than that I think that you did a brilliant job!

Wow. First, I'd like to commend you on the wonderful crime thriller that you have written. I think it's beautifully done, very descriptive, and really interesting. It's a very original story that was refreshing to read. I liked the length of the overall story, because I think any longer would have dragged out the plot, and I liked how you kept it simple. One complaint that I did have is that I think you should break up your paragraphs because they are super dense (which can be a good thing), but mostly discourages readers because it is difficult to read. Other than that I think that you did a brilliant job!

Here from comment swap.

Firstly, nice layout. Simple and clean cut, the way I like it. The picture is pretty, but not too distracting. Also on the chapter title names, I like the way you used time (11am etc) That was a cool touch.

I like the way you wrote in the third person. I write that way myself, and I was so glad to see that someone else had the guts to do it! It payed off, I'll tell you that much. I like the description, you use words that give this a mature feeling, (scrutinized etc) and I liked that. One thing I would say though, your paragraphs are too long. They drone on, and I found that there was too much to keep my place, I kept losing where I was as I read. But I'm not faulting your writing, it's still an excellent story. :)

Comment Swap!
Firstly, not many people can succeed in writing a well written story in 3rd person, so that's a plus on your part. Plus, I like all of the detail and the length. Not many people on here write such lengthy paragraphs, they try keeping it simple. I really like this, especially the crime-aspect! :)

First off, I have to commend your Crime scene theme in this story; there aren't many of these around on Mibba that are well written!
I love David's character. He seems like a very interesting, round character that is flawlessly developing throughout each chapter.
The plot, so far, is very intriguing and I'm very curious as to what you're going to do next! Your writing style is the kind that will get people hooked and subscribing.
Great job!(:

@ Sybreed
Thanks for the feedback :)

I really hope it just LOOKS predictable or else something is going MAJORLY wrong. Saying any more would ruin everything though.

About the font, I really can't get the hang of this layout/font thing, so if you know anyone that can actually help me with that I'd greatly appreciate it.

Comment Swap.

Well, this is a interesting crime thriller you got going on here. The way you describe everything is very good and gets people into the story. The main character is very 3-dimensional and has many facets to him. The story is very interesting, if a little predictable, or at least looks predictable.

One small complaint I have is the font. The font is nice to look at and reminds someone of those old detective novels, but it being all capitalizes causes some the dialogue to lost there impact and hit a little less harder than they normally would.

Overall, a wonderful story you got going on here, minus the slight predictability of it and the font. I hope to see you update soon.

Thanks for your feedback :) I'll fix the font, promise (I need to get the hang of this font thing ><" )

I applaud your ability to write a crime story, because I am soooo rubbish at it! You've got a great way with describing things in this story, and making it seem like we're there, as a reader. I think that's an important thing to be able to.

Also, your character is developing nicely. We see something new every chapter, which is also another good thing to have. You don't want to reveal too much too soon.

I found it difficult to keep focused on the story though because of the font. It's an attractive font, but I think using it in a story makes it difficult!

Otherwise, good job :D

I'm genuinely crying because of all of you guys :') Thanks !

comment swap brought me to this story (again), and I'm really glad it keeps bringing me back here a lot. everything I said in my other comment still applies, but I just wanted to say that you also did a fantastic job on describing the crime scene and the urgency of the case. honestly, its breath taking. It sort of reminds me of an episode of criminal minds or the mentalist. It's really neat. Okay I think that's all, bye c:

comment swap brought me here , and I'm really glad it did. (: this isn't really my type of story, but you've written it very well. I can see everything that's going on. You paint a great picture with your words. I also like the font and the theme, its easy to read. You've built a lot of suspense in just a few chapters. I really think that you should continue with this book. Maybe add in some more characters and events, just to make it a bit longer. Buut good job, keep up the awesome writing!

Comment Swap brought me here. This is really good and I like the background and how suspenseful the story is due to the capitals and the good vocabulary. The beginning was good, it had a nice Hook and it dragged me into reading more. I suggest maybe you change the font to make it just a little less intense. Although, it's really good. I'm gonna subscribe and hope for more. Update soon!

Hey! Comment swap brought me here, and as always, I’m glad! This is the third best story I read through comment swap. I like the simplicity of the layout, but I thought it could have had a…well…kind of darker shade…you know, I think the story is too serious for flowery background haha. But its okay cos I actually like it! Now, the beginning was great and it got me hooked. I liked David, and the descriptions were perfect. My first time reading a story in all caps, so that was refreshing! I LOVE the plot, so update soon and keep up the great work! :D

man dude you are good!!! I'm hooked and I don't have anything bad to say besides the fact that it is a little hard to read the writing because of the harsh font but anyways its great *continues to chapter 2*

Overall a great read, keep up the good work! Not what I would normal read, but still interesting.

thank you all :) I do write short chapters to keep the suspense up, so I'll try to update a bit more often now :)

[Comment Swappy]
I usually read/write romance stories, so reading a story like this is a little out of the ordinary for me. But i am really amazed by the way you described things and didn't give a huge amount of boring detail, but not to less to where you didn't know what was going on. You gave just the right amount. The chapters kinda short, but for this type of story i guess its a good thing, ya know, leave 'em wondering!