Ash as White as Snow - Comments

You use a lot of decriptive writing which I like. It really paints a picture though sometimes I feel like you use to much and it doesn't always flow. I picked up a few Grammer errors and sometimes had to re read a sentence for it to make complete sense to me. One thing that bugs me when she wakes up in the hospital that she instantly puts together that she had no memory, I feel having worked in a hospital for a while it's not something someone puts together when they have memory gaps.

I like where the story is headed. The concept is one what you can do so much with, and that is what keeps a reader interested.

One thing that I think needs a little bit of work is your grammar. You tend to mix up words like too and to or there and their.

Other than that I'm really interested to see where this story leads! :). I will definitely be waiting for an update!

Hey there! Comment swap brought me here. This is an interesting story so far. It’s also a very unique idea and original, because I haven’t read anything like it so far. I like your writing style; it’s very descriptive and helps to paint a picture of what’s going on in your head. Your spelling and grammar is mostly good. However, I think you keep getting confused with ‘there’ and ‘their.’ For example, in the sentence “I looked into there eyes and felt a sense of familiarity.” It’s supposed to be THEIR eyes, not THERE eyes. Simple grammar mistakes that can quickly be fixed. There are other instances of this same mistake, so you might want to fix them as well. Some of your sentences are run-ons as well and kind of look like they’re missing punctuation or something. Minor mistakes, no big deal. Besides for the few mistakes that you have, it looks like a promising story. Another suggestion I would give you is to look through some of the layouts that people have made. I think a cool layout would really bring your story to life and make it more appealing than it already is. You don’t have to take any of my suggestions; after all, they’re just suggestions. I’m not trying to offend you in any way, so please don’t think that haha, because it’s a great story so far. Update soon!

Well, you had me interested to see what this story was about from the first paragraph in the prologue. So...I like your writing style; you can get the characters down pretty good. Uh, I don't mean to criticize; I hate when people tell me to work harder because I do work hard, but I think it needs a little more detail. Like, describe the surroundings or people a little more so we get a better feel for what's going on. But that's a bout it for criticism, don't worry xD I would like to see this continued as well; so I'm going to subscribe and I can't wait to see the next chapter!

Very interesting start. I can't wait to see where this is going. You're very descriptive and I like that! I'd love to know more about your main character, hopefully there will be a bit of a background story on her. Keep up the great work :)

So far, the premise has me intrigued. And, much like the others here, I hope to help you turn this into a great story.

Though you are very descriptive, sometimes they feel a bit unnatural such as snow-like bombs. It's sort of a contradiction. I imagine snow to be peaceful, instead of devastating.

One of the other things I'd like point out is sometimes your sentences feel a bit jumbled and choppy. Making smooth writing takes tons of practice. Heck, I still have the problem a lot.

I hope you keep up with your story! Looking forward to reading more!

Dear stacylynne,

The King has sent us for you. It took some time as your name is somewhat difficult for us Knights to write.

Fear not, the last thing the King beheaded was a chocolate bar. He sent us solely for literary gains. He wishes to commend and guide your story.

And to aid, we Knights have made notes from the King's letters.

In your prologue you describe death and snow-like bombs falling, but it doesn't really seem right. You need more details and settings. Perhaps a different type of weather should describe the bombs, maybe hail? Also without much setting,a few of the Knights floated off into the imaginative space of your story before you mentioned the ground.

The prologue, we can tell, means to be deep and horrifying, however the lack of details makes it hard for it to reach that. For example, we don't know why they are being attacked even though the narrator has her memory at that point. It's fun to be mysterious, but too mysterious can throw readers off and make them question if you have anything planned yet. If you want to keep secrets, at least leave subtle details. Total surprises make it seem unplanned.

Also, it is amusing though that the narrator insists to be left alone.

The way the plot is going seems interesting. However, there should be a little more caution on the part of those doctor people about calling her a pawn just seconds after they drug her right? What if she hears and retaliates? If they are in war they should be more careful. The King suggests that they send them to training on what to say in front of heavily sedated and useful important people. Otherwise known as HSUIP training camp.

Your original idea is great, more details on this year that Max plotted would be good. Like how it led up to this moment.

Also editing is key, go forth and unlock it.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap.

First of all, I love the fact that you will someday turn this into a fully-fledged novel! Also I like how creative it is so far; stories with creativity that aren't like most others (especially on Mibba where most stories seem to blend together into a whomping pile of dredge-y fanfiction) really catch my attention. I urge you to keep writing, but also watch out for your grammatical errors which sometimes hinder your story. If you have the time, you should go back through and enter again after each paragraph because at the moment, the whole story meshes together into one loooooong paragraph. Break up the chunks! :-)

Keep writing!

Hello there. :) Well let's get started, shall we? I was brought here from comment swap. First of all the prologue and the first chapter should be seperate. In the summary you wrote you hoped this will be someday a complete book. You better write a sort of summary there instead of that and you can write what you wish for in the author's note. You have a few mistakes here and there but nothing too major. I like the prologue and the first chapter. They were well written and I like the plot. I wanna read more about your basic character though. That's all. Keep up the great work. XD

Here from comment swap.

The first thing I'll say is that maybe the prologue and first chapter should be separate, but if this is the way you want it then that's okay. Also, the dialogue would be more clear with space in between them, so it's easier for readers. The story has potential if you clean it up a bit. Also, a layout also adds to the mood of the story.

Keep it up!
:)

Comment Swap! Anyways, it seems good, but you use the word there instead of their a lot. With a bit of editing it would be really good. It seems like a really good idea for a book. :3 Wishing you the best of luck! I hope you do get published someday. :DDD

loved this book HOPE U DIDNT SEE ME DIE LOLZZZ anyways, IT LOOKS LIKE A REAL BOOK IT IS WRITTEN WELL IDK HOW TO SPELL SO IDK BOUT SPELLING!1!! VERY DETAILED I HAVE BROWN INTELLIGENT EYES MYSELF, UM IM GETTING THAT VIBE THAT U R LIKE A AVATAR OR A HULK . UM AND DONT LET THEM USE U U KNOW ITS NOT RIGHT OK U KNOW FREEDOM! IN THE GRASS CAREFUL OF SNAKES U KNOW AND DONT TALK TO STRANGERS BUT NO seriously i really like this story u know i loved it make a chapter 2 cuz they needed her and ya get on that