Little Fighter - Comments

So I will agree with the previous comments, while this is a very good idea for a story, I feel like you need to develope more. Research more about cancer, what kind does she have? How does she and her loved ones deal wirh it? This needs more emotion, more description, more detail. It's very short so far and there's not much going on. But it looks like you're revising it, let me know so I can read the finished version!
Keep writing!

I really like the layout. It's very pretty. But the chapter is very short, and besides talking about how Sam now takes time out to play with her, it doesn't provide any detail, plot, or character development. If you provided more detail it would suck people in and make them want to read. :) I think it's hard to tackle a subject such as cancer. Good job bring this tough disease to light. People who have dealt with this will want to read this.

One word, develop, develop, develop! I can kinda of see where the stories going, but I wish you would give us more in the first chapter, you know what I mean right? Anyway, I also notice that you used her name a lot, trying using more she, her, etc. Other wise it kinda sounds like a little kid telling the story like "Mommy did this, mommy heard a noise, mommy doesn't like that noise" Other than those things, I liked it. Keep writing and update soon! :3

Comment swapper! The only thing I want to say right off the bat is that medical subjects are very tricky to write about - it can be very off-putting if you aren't accurate with your information, so just make sure you do your research! If you do that, then I'm sure that it'll turn out great. Right now there isn't a whole lot to go on, so hurry with your character development! I'd love to see where this goes. I also love the part you added about her sister really only spending time with her, now that her sister is dying. It's so sad, but true, and a good detail to add - that does tend to happen frequently.

Comment swap, here! I love the concept and I admire you for picking such a tough subject. I think you could add much more emotion to the voice of this piece and definitely think you can develop your characters more, but other than that, I really liked it!

I like the idea and the plot of the story and I'm intrigued to find out more once you finish developing your characters. I do feel like there should be more in than just the dialogue. Especially with such a topic, I think doing more things with the emotion of the characters will bring out a new beauty to the story. But keep up and I can't wait to read more.

@ AndStuff
Thank you :D

Very well written. Very sad so far, and yet happy as well. It makes me want to try spending more time with my brother. I like how the older sister calls Lucy "sweetie" that is so wonderful. I like nicknames though. At least those kinds of nicknames. I see you are going to work on character development. I need work on that myself, so I totally understand. You did a great job and I hope you keep on writing. Great job!

Hello I am from comment swap

This is so nicely written but if you are writting on such a power topic, your writting has to match the level. In this case your writting is very good but it is not powerful enough to surprise readers.

You see, people die of cancer every day but the movie "My sisters Keeper" brought cancer to a whole new level and many people saw it a different way than what they usually think about cancer.

You first chapter is good but there needs to be much more description more information and a better word choice.

I am doing a hard topic too, its about women abuse, you should read it. It's called "Quest". I know it's not perfect but I have imagery, description and a good enough writting techinique to level up with the topic.

This is still an amazing story don't get me wrong, it just needs more power in your writing.

Your grammar is actually really good despite what you said. I only saw one error and that was near the end of the story where you put a period at the end of the dialogue instead of a comma. But it's a simple error that everyone makes every now and then, those small pesky errors always slip through the proof-reading.

A piece of advice I do have is to try to give more detail and emotion to your story. Your story, as of right now, is a bit bare emotion-wise and detail-wise. It's hard to connect or relate to the character as the story is now because there is no emotion with the characters. Other than the dialogue, you didn't describe how they were feeling or let the readers into your characters' minds. For example, why did Lucy yell like that? Was she upset or was it because she was just tired and thus cranky? Another example I have, why did Sam start spending more time with Lucy because of her cancer? Did Sam get scared of the idea of her little sister dying or does she just feel remorse for her? For a third example, how does Lucy feel about the chemotherapy? Does she like it? Does it scare her? The readers know none of how your characters are truly feeling and thus, we can't really relate to them. Your story is a bit of a skeleton right now that lacks life. You need to give it more detail and emotion. Bring your story and characters to life. Imagine how they must be feeling in their situation and try your best to convey those emotions to your readers.

A story is about more than dialogue. It should have life, emotion, and depth. Your story lacks of all this and that's what you need to really work on. Your grammar and spelling are fine, they're pretty good actually. It's the way your story seems like a mere skeleton that is the problem.