The King sent me, although I had little direction. And with a bird's cry at sunset you caught my attention. I found you as your brightness lit the ground from above. I almost missed it buy I saw sparks on a dove. Where have brought me; some part of history? Aaa, now I see; it's a beautiful little story.
This is really good! I can see that you are telling most of it out. You should perhaps show more instead, let us see the dialogue and setting and details that led to these events. This way we as readers can judge the characters themselves, see their reactions. See how brotherly they are rather than you just telling us. See how vain she is rather just being told-you could use descriptions, details and dialogue instead of the narrator voice.
Also, I like your descriptions, but more details would be amazing. Like settings. Or embellishing on the scene with the queen's anger. Showing her explode, the air spark and thunder with electricity. Changing your use of words can really make a difference. Example: Rather than: She sat.
Say: She crumpled into her seat.(scared or extremely tired) She perched on the deep velvet of her chair. (she's very rigid and proper-the details of the chair bring attention to expensive taste and thus, the girl being proper.) You can see a mood and emotion there, right?
And this example is amazing, I'm sure you will love it: "This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."
The King sent me, although I had little direction.
And with a bird's cry at sunset you caught my attention.
I found you as your brightness lit the ground from above.
I almost missed it buy I saw sparks on a dove.
Where have brought me; some part of history?
Aaa, now I see; it's a beautiful little story.
This is really good! I can see that you are telling most of it out. You should perhaps show more instead, let us see the dialogue and setting and details that led to these events. This way we as readers can judge the characters themselves, see their reactions. See how brotherly they are rather than you just telling us. See how vain she is rather just being told-you could use descriptions, details and dialogue instead of the narrator voice.
Also, I like your descriptions, but more details would be amazing. Like settings. Or embellishing on the scene with the queen's anger. Showing her explode, the air spark and thunder with electricity. Changing your use of words can really make a difference.
Example:
Rather than: She sat.
Say: She crumpled into her seat.(scared or extremely tired)
She perched on the deep velvet of her chair. (she's very rigid and proper-the details of the chair bring attention to expensive taste and thus, the girl being proper.)
You can see a mood and emotion there, right?
And this example is amazing, I'm sure you will love it: "This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."
This is really interesting. I'm subscribing!
Truly,
A Knight of Commenting