One Cold Winter Day - Comments

This is so cute. The introduction was eye-catching, as you went straight to the point. I loved how this starred male-leads in such a love-sick story. The dilemma and dialogue is funny, and caught a few giggles from me, but like 'the dalliance.' said, too much dialogue can be bad. Otherwise, I found the story interesting, and I'm sure many will enjoy reading it.

I must say that I don't venture into slash very often at all. Only on the occasions that comment swap sends me off to read one and comment swap has.

First off this story contains a lot of dialogue and sometimes that is a bad thing no matter how good the dialogue is (which yours is). I think it could be more descriptive so when someone reads it they are not like 'oh, look at all that talking..' and be turned off by that.

With that being said, even though it may have been lacking in descriptions, your dialogue stood on it's own and told the story. I liked how it was just a read that you could sit by and relax and not get tangled up in a million plot twists.

Comment Swap brought me here!

I want to apologize for not commenting on your story sooner! I'm really, really, really sorry about that! But I'm reading now and commenting on, so as they say better late than never.

The layout of the story is a little plain, but it is an original layout so that always gains some brownie points when I read a story. When centering a text throughout it is a little bit distracting and takes away from the overall flow of the story so maybe just fix that up a little bit.

There’s a lot of dialogue in this and it’s really great dialogue at that. It just sometimes the story could use a little more description at times, but I thought that the dialogue was actually really, really amazing and told a really great story.

I thought that the ending of the story was extremely cute and really well done. I was really happy with the ending actually! So thanks for that.

Firstly, the layout could use some work. It's very stiff looking, and a little cheesy. (No offense!) Pointers:

-Get rid of the image above the title. It's not necessary.
-Do not "centre" body text. It's one of my pet-peeves, and makes it difficult to read efficiently.
-Try a different background. You could always use an image of snow falling, or something like that. It would make the layout more interesting, and "cleaner".

In regards to your actual story, there was too much dialonge, and too little description. Also, you have some grammatical errors in there, too. (i.e. "She did[?...]")

Good luck;
-Joe

This was marvelous! I really enjoyed it, I loved them and I just thought the entire thing was very cute. :3

This is actually a warm hearted story. You said it was meant to be so, and you've done a good job making it so. What I like about this story is that it's an easy read; it's not bombarded with major plot lines, eccentric characters and dictionary jobs; it's just nice and to the point.

I also ADORED the picture. I love snow. I think this was a very welcoming piece and I love the light angle you've taken with it. Good job!

@ TheCrazyOne
I do like it :) It's lovely. I hope you update and quickly. It's cute :)

@ YourHersheyKiss
Thank you for your comment! I know the story is a bit cliché, but to be honest, it was meant to like that. Just a warm nothing, to make you smile . (It's just my point of view, seeing as I'm a sucker for cliché stories sometimes )

Thank you for reading and commenting

This does seem to be a bit of a cliché story. I like how you took the time to show how each character seems to feel. It makes it easier to understand the characters. You got me, I didn’t see the “I like him but he likes her.” Thing coming. Good job. I like how you had another character point it out. Clever.

@ TheCrazyOne
Not a problem It's strange for me because I'm not usually in the mood for Christmas so early, I'm the sort of person who gets annoyed when they start stocking advent calendars in October
Alright, if you need any help with formatting then I'm happy to be of service. I've been around Mibba longer than I'd care to admit

@ The Point Man
Thank you for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, even though I was a meanie towards the James/Ryan ship.

By the way, you and I have two things in common, I too love when characters blush and since Christmas is my favorite holiday, I've been waiting for it since September (almost there...just two more moths!)

Oh and about the paragraphs thing you mentioned, I'll try to fix it as soon as I can. I'm new (at least in a sense of publishing) to mibba so I'm still figuring those things out.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it really means a lot!

@ TheCrazyOne
You're so welcome! If you have trouble with punctuation, there are plenty of people on Mibba (myself included) who would be happy to help out and proofread! I'll be honest and say that I had no idea that English is not your first language! Usually if it's in some way obvious to me, I take it a little easier with grammatical issues.

@ pretty-eyed sarcasm
Thank you! Your comment is really helpful. I'll try to fix the errors you mentioned as soon as I get to proof-reading. I know that punctuation is, so to say, my Achilles' heel, mainly because English is not my native language (and while they do teach us English in school, we haven't got to the punctuation part yet, which I find very strange), therefore your pointers are very useful! As for forgetting periods... well I don't even have an exuse for that one . Also, the thing you mentioned about italics, I'll keep that in mind. Yeah.

When it comes to your observations concerning the storyline and the characters, I thought about it and happen to agree with you. I'll try to work on that in the future. Hopefully, it doesn't slip my mind again.

Thank you for your comment once again!

That was one of the cutest things I've read in a long time. I was smiling the whole way through.
I felt a little bit sad that James didn't end up with Ryan in the end (what can I say, I always want characters to get with their 'original true loves'. I ship Katniss/Gale waaaay more than Katniss/Peter) but Jeremy was still absolutely adorable, especially when he thought that James didn't love him back and that he'd end up being in love with him forever.

And they both blushed! I'm a sucker for characters that blush. The banner was absolutely perfect, too. Thanks to you I'm in the mood for all things Christmassy, and it's only November. :-(

On a side note though, you need to remember to put paragraphs in *g* or if you did then make sure they're visible in the layouts you're using. Not that it distracted from your great writing skills. Thank you for sharing this, you made my day happier. :-)

Before I carry on, 'He wasn’t in a mood to be hit today. Or maybe he was, but this was not a place for that.
I'm wheezing

Hello, I'm from the Comment Swap.
When you want to emphasize a word you tend to use bold instead of italics, which personally bothers me. It draws your eye to those few words instead of flowing with the rest of the sentence. It's also considered grammatically correct to use a comma after someone says something--"Hello," he said. vs. "Hello" he said. A few times I noticed you forget to put a period at the end of sentences as well.
I also think there's some trouble with keeping in character. You have James mention that he's a screw-up but there's very little in the conversation itself to tell Ryan from James from Jeremy in the first chapter. The second chapter is better. I find it vaguely unrealistic that Jeremy is sitting with customers all the time. Maybe add some comment about how it's not too busy so he can sit for a little while?
That said, I do really like the premise of this story. The feelings of each character are really well described and each look is perfectly placed. It's obvious that you can see exactly what each character is doing and relay it to the readers so well.