Truly, Madly, Deeply - Comments

This was short and to-the-point. Took me 10 minutes to read, max, but I didn't mind at all. Like someone before me said, it didn't have all that much detail, but in this case, with it being a short story and all, it didn't bother me all that much.
It actually kinda hurt my heart a little, because it was a ridiculously cute love story that I would kill to have!
Random sidenote: I like your writing style. A lot. :)
That will be all. Good work! I recommended.

Dear aDreamersKiss,

This was a cute story, extremely rushed however, and missing lots of detail.

The King sees the appeal of keeping the story short and sweet. We have some suggestions.

As Knights of Comment Swap we take it as our responsibility to bring some interesting ideas wherever we dwell, bits of knowledge to the ones we meet and hopes of perfection as shadows as we leave.

Bring in descriptive words in imagery. The entire story happens in a hallway, but we hard to know what's special about this hall. Bring out details.

The mask of stone was quite interesting. Use imagery like that in the rest of your story, it will really bring out your creativity and skill!

His girl friend is extremely stereotypical, describe her more by her actual traits rather than linking her to cliches. She just seems like a walking boring cliche, which makes that part of the story tedious to read.

To keep to your length make time switches more obvious and gradual at the same time. Use subheadings or breaks in time.

***

One year later our friendship was still growing. -- Here you can also describe their friendship.

Show us more than you tell us. If they became friends over the year show us scenes of how they became closer. This is a story, not a summary.

And of course play with sentence length. We must bring this example back continuously:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

All the best writing.

Truly,

A Knight of Comment Swap

Hi there! I'm from comment swap. :) I just needed to start out by sayin that you have me hooked from the get-go! "His eyes were ablaze" love it! No wonder poor Jetson can't come out of her shell with a jerk like that there to haunt her. If you edit this, you may want to better emphasize the resentment. Ican tell its there, but it could be better highlighted. I plan to continue reading as soon as I get the chance! Great job!

I really enjoy the way that you described Kevin's reaction to his angry girlfriend in chapter one.

I also like the way that you begin chapters. They pull you further into the story. But please, watch your comma usage. You have some in places that don't need them. Example: " Like, how his brother had autism" in chapter three.

The tone of this, it's very good. Conversational, almost. Matter-of-fact. However, and this could just be a personal preference, the strike-out text is a bit off-putting.

Still, this epitomizes 'short and sweet.' Nice work.

I think this story is adorable. I do plan on finishing it, but I'm actually at work right now and should probably stop messing around soon. ;)

I like Jetson. She seems pretty down to earth and I'm curious to see how she develops throughout the story. I found it really funny when she got her hair caught in her bag/locker. She's not flawless, but she's not particularly clumsy either. It seems like a lot of main characters in stories like this are either absolutely perfect, or a complete klutz. I like that Jetson is in between the two extremes, like the majority of people.

Your grammar is pretty good. I think the descriptions of the characters' actions are good, but I think other things could use more detail, like the setting.

I think this story is not far-fetched or over the top. It's very real and people can relate to it. Good job!

~COMMENT SWAP~
It really was a cute story, kind of short though. I feel like you could have added much more to this story to make it better and to lengthen it some. It was a good story but you could make it better like every other writer. You could have added some more background to the stories. Like when Jetson was talking about her ex Pete you could have done a flashback to when he actually hit her. Also you definitely could have added more of a background to Kevin and Caroline. You could have fallowed their relationship until they actually broke up then moved it to Jetson and Kevin becoming friends and what actually made then fall in love with each other.

~From comment swap:

This is a cute story. I like that it's so realistic. No one's falling in love with each other at first site. They both have obstacles to having a relationship, and they're dealt with like people do in real life. It's not a big giant love story. It's just a story about two people who like each other, and this can be really all you need to make a story, and you told one and it was nice.

I wish the characters had a little more depth, especially Kevin who just kind of seems like a generic good guy, but other than that I think this was a well written, cute story.