September 2nd, 2012 at 02:15am
You have lovely character names.
Did you switch tenses on purpose? Because it's a little odd, having Seraphina be narrating in the past tense and Erick doing present.
Also, the first paragraph written from Erick's perpective is very unclear. I believe that you meant to make it a little unclear, to draw suspense, but I think it might be a little too much. Also, I don't know whether the repetition of "red velvet" is great... it kind of takes away from the novelty of it.
And "I need, her" doesn't need the comma.
Please don't take from the above that I didn't enjoy this- I did. But those were the things I felt would be most vauable for me to tell you.
I did switch it on purpose. I know it is odd, but everything will make sense in due time. I love dealing with time manipulation in my stories. It is UNCLEAR on purpose, though I do agree I did take it a bit far. With the "I need, her." I used a comma to represent breathe. Something I learned from a writing teacher! I thank you for your insights! I really do appreciate it! :) It is merely only an excerpt of an upcoming book of mine--which I have made many changes to.