September 15th, 2012 at 12:53am
So basically the fact that no one has commented on this is a fucking catastrophe because this is like unbelievably good and like I always knew that you wrote awesome things but I think this might be TOTALLY ONE OF MY FAVOURITES FROM YOU. SERIOUSLY. THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD.
Even right from the beginning- totally adored the putting to shame raven's feathers things, and totally gives him that soulless creepy ass awesome quality without even saying "he's actually sort of INSANE". Also, I like that you used demented. No one ever uses demented anymore and it's such a great word. Demented.
I've never heard colder than a cadaver's before but that's just like PERFECT DESCRIPTION I HATE YOU WHY DID I NOT THINK THIS UP? But you did. And I love it. And thank you for writing it, haha. I also just like the word cadaver, too. The veins mapping out poor circulation and destruction too- LITERALLY COULD BE MY FAVOURITE LINE. IT IS JUST SO CLEVER. AND PERFECT. AND MESSED UP IN A TOTALLY DEMENTED WAY THAT I THINK IT COULD VERY WELL SUM UP EVERYTHING THAT I LOVE ABOUT IT. It's fucked up but you portray it in like a beautifully but morbid and disgusting fucked up way. It's like poetic but horrible at the same time. If that makes sense. Your writing is poetic but the characters are fucked up so okay my point is not getting across I hope you get it I'm going to just shut up now.
THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS JUST DONE SO WELL THAT I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT EVERYTHING'S LIKE DESPITE THAT THIS IS ONLY LIKE 500 WORDS. I just feel like I know them both so well by the end of it.
You just are so amazing at writing fucked up. You do it so perfectly. And I love this so much. And I love "he was broken, and she was bent" because it's so simple but it just shows so much about the characters and this is just alksdaklfhjioajfkl. Words are failing me. Okay, now I'm going to shut up.
I have to say I do love this layout because your first paragraph matches the banner so perfectly. Immediately, when I read the first line, the image made perfect sense and just felt like it was really connected to the story. I love that you put a lot of thought not just into the story content, but how you present it aesthetically as well. It all works together and I think without seeing the layout, it would still be a great read, but that extra oomph, the atmosphere you create with this image would be lost. That said, the chapter title on the layout is a bit much. Having that blurry and spaced out is really distracting to the eye. That's my only complaint with it. Otherwise, I really do love that you've really made this layout a part of the story.
When I got to the second paragraph, the lyrics you picked in the summary all made sense. I love things like that, that when I read them at first they don't seem that significant and then at some point in the story it just clicks on why the author chose to phrase it that way, or use that line in your case.
As he moved his hands down her neck, the veins under his skin mapped out, showing a path of destruction, poor circulation, and too much time spent with a band tied around his bicep.
I thoroughly enjoyed this line, especially the path of destruction bit. It's wonderful, like it should be a lyric itself. I agree with the previous comment that it's clever. Clever in a very sinister and poetically alluring way. I like things like this that say so much without directly spelling it out to the reader. I think it's a great talent to be able to do that.
What I really enjoyed about this piece was that even though this is short, you kept referring back to his black eyes and his demented gaze. I think you really manage to tell a story just through the way he looks at her, and if there wasn't any dialogue, I could still easily sense his twisted personality and the unsettling feeling that he's giving her. In such a short space, you've created a very haunting and distinct character. Just through the way you describe his eyes and his looks, you paint a very vivid image of a this guy you don't want to cross, one that doesn't need words to be menacing and can kill with a look. I don't feel like he even needs to bruise her to harm her, he could just glance at her and that would do more damage than anything physical he could inflict.
I like that you tied the lyrics from the summary into the chapter in dialogue. Again, I just adore that you've made everything tie together. Nothing feels out of place. It all works together and connects. I think it's wonderfully written. I adore the verbose and poetic style to it. It's not something I come across a lot on Mibba, but something I love in my favourite writers. I love people who can take an easy thought to convey simply and make it something special with a little imagery and phrasing it in a way you would never think to. It's what makes things stick out in my mind, what makes them memorable and beautiful. It's a lovely short story and I'm very glad I read it.