The Invalid - Comments

@ ForeverARedHead
Haha I wrote this when I was 14. I had completely forgotten about it now that I read it back I completely agree with your criticism. Thank you very much for the detail and for commenting :) I hope to improve with time and practice.

@ anyotherbrooke
Thank you for reading it. I really do appreciate the criticism. ;)

i am also from comment swap! c:
i popped in to say that this is a nice oneshot. you succeeded in getting across the sadness the husband feels; the reader can tell he really does care for his wife even though he hasn't seen her in over a year.
i would suggest a bit more.. story, and a little less dialogue, however - if that makes sense? add description to the WAY someone says something, perhaps? c:
write on!
-sunny

Hey, I’m from comment swap : -) It’s a good short story about the couple and the disease…but when the wife speaks of this disease, some of the dialogue isn’t flowing. Like ‘I have a disease in my stomach’ is what maybe someone 15 or 16 of years would say to one of their friends rather than an adult would to their husband. They would come out and probably say ‘I have stomach cancer.’ But an adult wouldn’t go straight into detail and describe everything she goes through right after delivering that sort of news, she would let the silence surround her after she’s told him and wait for the husband to prod her with ‘how are you feeling?’. Something needed to happen before this, maybe like – She’s pale, staring out the window as it rains – but to start it with the first sentence and the way it’s phrased, it just make the dialogue less effective. When she says it’s of no importance to the other things there’s already too much detail there. I know it seems like I’m being picky but I’m just giving tips to help. The dialogue just doesn’t flow. Don’t get me wrong, you have a good detail description but…the dialogue is something someone in their teens would write (which I just looked at your profile after typing all this and see :-) . It’s not a bad story though, it’s really not, just try to work on your dialogue. You did a fantastic job in painting a picture to the story, so I do give you prompts for that, you did a great job on the details, the ending was sad and you do get a feeling of hopelessness for the couple. You didn’t rush the story either, and it’s hard not to when writing short stories. Keep writing. I wasn’t this detailed when I was a writer at 16 and I started writing at the age of 7. So hey, keep it up and going!

Take care!

~Red~