I like the concept but its so poorly written. If you're not going to have it in the mins point if view the entire time (even If you did) you still need a name. You can't use pronouns constantly because it gets confusing without officially clarifying who "she" is. Also it's very rushed, there are things happening that I feel like the characters know butyoyrenotlieeting the audience know so things happen without explanation which is confusing. Try to be more detailed and not be like straightforward. Also since its dialogue heavy, you need to balance it out so that there's just as much if not more "stage directions" (if you will) and descriptions than there is dialogue. It makes it feel less rushed. You basically leave nothing to the imagination and leave the readers with no anticipation for what's gonna happen next because you tell the story exactly what's happening and there are no implications or mysteries or anything.
December 12th, 2012 at 11:05pm
Whats the story ?