This is amazing. You add so much detail and make it dramatic. The only things you should work on is spacing out the paragraphs and perhaps working on a new layout. If you don't know how you can ask her: http://www.mibba.com/Member/226646/
Her name is Hina. She's really nice and good at layouts. :D
Her name is Hina. She's really nice and good at layouts. :D