I Remember the Old Her - Comments

Very smooth flow and good story to go with the song.

This was such a wonderful story! I also loved the main character and how as the story went on, he came to realize the true meaning of the lyric. Overall this was a very enjoyable read!

Well that was saddnening. I absolutely adored this story. Right from the start the main character (the guy who got cheated on) is extremely likeable. The way that you described his nervousness on his wedding day, and how nervous he was when he asked for her father's permision was just so cute and perfect. But then when I got to the woman...... Ohh she's a real dick! Disliked her! He is so sweet and so charming and yet she's a cold-hearted bitch! Poor guy.

@ DomWow
Wow! Thanks so much for your comments! Really means a lot to me that you think I did the character justice. Thanks again!

I would also just like to point out how well this peice of writing draws out emotion. I could count the amount of times that writing has really made me melt into the story, and i can honestly say this is one of those times, and that is what it really means to write. bravo

So sad. i loved it.

So sad. i loved it.

Candy Bowl:

This is very interesting, mentioning her description and the way she always looked was amazing. She herself became very unlikable with time.

For your snickers! :)

The summary is short and sweet. It probably wouldn't normally draw me in to read a story but it's well written all the same :)

Mentioning that she was a 20 year old virgin is interesting. It definitely makes her stand out, as it isn't something you see everyday. His description of her is so sweet, but with 'the old Jeannine' you know that it won't continue that way as something has to change and it'll most likely be for the bad.

Well she's no longer very likeable, that happened quickly. The narrator is very likeable though. He seems really sweet, especially with his worries about his wedding day. The inclusion of all the stuff about the wedding day is very good as it contrasts later on with the mentions of the divorce and stuff. It's really sad, how he's so devoted to her still but she's not interested. The ending's really sad. I couldn't imagine being in his shoes... I don't think I could love her after that.

Overall this is really lovely and well written so well done!

Another wonderful story! And if I'm not too late, good luck with the contest! This is such a good read I'm sure it'll do great!! :D
The first paragraph had my heart melting and going "aww" throughout it all, and then I was devastated when I read about how she betrayed him! D:
I loved the way you wrote it, I felt like I could really connect with him (even though that has never happened to me lol), but it was just so deep that I could feel his hurt! Great, great short story!! I totally enjoyed reading it!

This is really interesting! I loved the layout, and even though it's one chapter I don't mind, still worth reading!
<3

~Here from Candy Bowl!

20, 14, 34 >> twenty, fourteen, thirty-four. Write out numbers.

Interesting story. The voice is very clear in this piece, through his stream of memories to the present day. I liked the redundancy with the "I remembers" through the whole excerpt, and then at the end with the "I understand." Also, the repetition with the song. It really made the story a tight package that went extremely well together. Very cool.

I can't say too much about the characters - the MC was a very limited perspective, but we get the sense that he's quite caring and very level-headed. He seems a little upset, but he's not fuming with anger.

Over all, I liked the structure of this a lot. There were subtle things that followed through the whole story, and also hints - his brother as best man, and then his wife sleeping with his brother. It's all very clever.

Great job with this and happy writing!

xxx Bee

Layout
The background looks good. At first glance it seems as though the bricks all connect, but further inspection shows the distinctive lines where the picture connects. As for the banner it suites the story quite well, perfectly really.

Characters
Not many to comment on. Just the one who had his heart torn out. So, I'll leave it at that.

Content
I enjoyed the fact that this wasn't about the entire song, nor was it about the song up until that point. What you wrote describes many relationship failures. Many divorces happen this way. It really was all very realistic. The dividing of the things, the loss of a loved one, and how only one of them really changed. This whole story was just so well put together. Heartbreak is a hard thing to deal with and it does leave one wondering where they went wrong.

Overall
Great job! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I really enjoyed this short story, it made me think of something similar that happened to me. This was beautifully written and it wasn't overwhelming with details. :)

This is written to beautifully. It's just raw with emotion and I felt tears welling in my eyes because of how true that one lyric struck out against all the odds. How quick it is for something to change or how nothing lasts forever. You are a brilliant writer. You have earned my respect, I think the first, as a fellow mibbian and writer as well

aw, so sad :( I love November Rain by Guns N' Roses, it makes me burst into tears. It was a good story

Well, that was rather sad. I absoutley loved it. Very detailed writing, and the grammar was great. Over all, very good story and I loved it.

Pan de muerto

Layout
I like the simplicity of the banner image. It really conveys well what the story is about and what it contains; at first I wasn't quite fond of the background (the brickwall) but then when I found out he kept the house, where he found her cheating on him, it is just perfect.

Title
The title doesn't give away any of the story, which I find great. At first I thought it was going to be a story centered around how a girl changed from her teenage years onto her adulthood, nothing related to love and heartbreak, but then you see how suiting it is when you read the story and I found the plot and the title contrast each other nicely.

Content
I'm not very fond of love/heartbreak stories (it's not my cup of tea), but I know how to appreciate a well written one.

I like how you progressed by contrasting the old her and the new her. She seems like disenchanted with life, with everything, as if routine has taken away everything that she was once.

That this is narrated by the point of view of the heartbroken lover makes us know only little of her, only what he saw in her and what she represented to him, which is a nice touch; although I'd love to read about her through her own voice and what made her so disenchanted with him and their relationship.

I liked how you centered the story around a fragment of a song and how fitting it is with the story; also that the narrator mentions very little of what she did and how he was forgiving of everything; it shows that he accepted her mistakes and her flaws and he wasn't going to delve in them; instead you show us a strong character that is willing to find help for both of them in order to rescue what they once had.

The unwillingness of her to rescue the relationship, however, shows us that there was something that made her distant form the relationship; this is where i wish I knew more about her, from her.

Overall
Although, as I mentioned before, love/heartbreak stories are not my thing, I thought your piece was well written and developed really well. The narration and character development occurring within the same narration contrast really nicely.

This was beautiful, and really sad at the same time. It was really sentimental and I really, really felt the pain when he found his wife with his brother.. beautiful, all in all. Loved it.

This is very sad but I very much enjoyed it. Good luck on your contest, I hope you will win!