November 26th, 2012 at 03:29am
yellow-golden-browning leaves of thirty different tones and shades
The phrase yellow-golden-browning is very interesting. I get from the description that it's autumn. I'm not sure on yellow-golden-browning though. Yellow-golden, in particular, since they're very similar colours and fallen leaves are also various oranges, reds, coppers, even some still changing from green. I think including more of the full spectrum of autumn leaves would make this variety of colour you describe more vivid. Tone and shade basically refer to how light or dark a colour is, so tones and shades is a repetitive phrase. You could potentially mention shape or size and colour instead of colour and colour.
I like this chain of buses you describe. Taking a bus to another bus to then catch the bus to get you where you really want to go is something people have to do all the time, but it seems like every time a character gets on a bus in a story, it's going exactly where they're getting off no matter how far that is. I also like that by mentioning that, you're establishing this journey isn't going to be easy for Sarah. She has a long way to go and she doesn't even necessarily know where she's going yet, she just wants to get away.
There's quite a bit in parentheses that feel like they would read more smoothly if they weren't. Thoughts and side facts are distinguishable as such without them and I'm not sure why some thoughts are in parentheses, like when Sarah first thinks her shoes used to be white, but later when she thinks that she is up to something, that's not in parentheses. It seems inconsistent. Just as a suggestion, if you really wanted to distinguish thought from narration, you could try italics. Sentences like she'd found it in the dirt outside the bank could just be its own sentence.
Mama wouldn't miss her. Mama was too sick and too tired to miss anyone.
I really enjoyed that Sarah rationalised running away this way and that her mother's illness is clearly affecting her negatively. She just wants to escape it all, which I find tragic given her age. She shouldn't have to feel that way.
Sarah couldn't make Mama better.
I get the feeling that she feels like a burden of sorts to her mother. Her mother probably can't care for her properly on her own because of how sick she is and Sarah can't care for her mother because she's too young. Like Sarah is feeling unloved by her mother maybe now that things have changed because of this illness and that's why she's leaving. The neighbour lady you mention looking after them is no replacement for her own mother.
I'm curious as to what is so odd about an eleven year old trying to ride the bus in Arkansas. Because no bus driver would ever look twice at a kid getting on the bus by themselves where I'm from. It's not their job to tell them kids they should have parental supervision so they don't. They just drive the bus. As long as you have money, you can ride, so this concept of being turned away by the bus driver stands out to me. It just seems like she's really overstepping the boundaries of her job there. I understand she's trying to do the responsible thing by telling Sarah to go home, but you have to think if this girl is up to something, she's not going to go home because you tell her so. She'll get on the next bus surely. Good intentions with a bad execution really on the bus driver's part.
The ending was superb. Instead of Sarah going home, it's great that she goes in the opposite direction against the bus driver's advice after you've built her to be so sure running away is what she's going to do. I like that she kept insisting Mama won't miss her because I felt like she was trying to convince herself of that more of just making a statement. I'm sure Sarah's mother will miss her actually if she doesn't return home. And Sarah will miss her mother too. She seems to already miss her. Well, the way she was before she got sick.
You managed to capture a lot of emotion in such few words, which is really a talent. Really lovely piece. Happy Mibba Halloween. :)
I actually really enjoyed this, though I wasn't sure I was going to. I thought your use of words and the slightest bit of repetition was beautiful. I enjoyed the way you described her plan to go else where. I was highly shocked when it was let out that this girl was only eleven! At first I thought she was just running away from her problems and just a bit selfish, but then I actually realized how brave she really is. Over all I felt as if you did a really great job in such few words. You got your point across and it was short, sweet, simple, and yet still a tab bit complex. There was one problem I did have though. I didn't exactly like the extra information that was in parentheses. I feel as if you worded the sentences correctly, so that an appositive could have been put into place, it would have read so much easier. I'm sorry this is so late and that I couldn't do it as well as I would have liked.