Hi! Comment swap brought me here. I like this, the grammar and punctuation are fairly accurate, which is FANTASTIC. I'm so tired of stories that are nearly impossible to read. Back on subject. It does feel a little stiff in some places and a little OVER detailed in others. For example, the beginning was super detailed about the coffee shop and how she never drinks coffee, but later on at the party, there was hardly any detail at all about what was going on. You might want to try diffusing the detail a bit to even it out. Otherwise, It's great! I hope you continue!
The first chap was fine.....but I'm not all that into NC-17 and stuff....cos comment swap brought me here, I read it and liked it. That was good work, keep it up! :)
November 19th, 2012 at 05:37am
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Back on subject. It does feel a little stiff in some places and a little OVER detailed in others. For example, the beginning was super detailed about the coffee shop and how she never drinks coffee, but later on at the party, there was hardly any detail at all about what was going on.
You might want to try diffusing the detail a bit to even it out.
Otherwise, It's great! I hope you continue!