Finally! I missed this story! I like this more than my own stories!
May 13th, 2013 at 02:47am
Alright, so since I haven't seen a real comment in both pages of this wonderfully plotted story, I'll do my job. Let me just remind you that posting online means getting critique, which isn't bashing, and it's what I'm going to do right now. Please, don't be offended, I'm only trying to help you become a better writer.
The first thing I noticed was the layout, of course. You need to use clearer colors. If you want to use a dark theme, that's fine, but try to make it at least readable. Second, I saw the punctuation errors. You lack a lot of comas and periods, and you need to do double space between each paragraph. I know it seems weird, I used to do it too. Now, another tip is to turn the 17 into seventeen. In writing it seems neater and more professional. And urgh, I'm sorry for saying this like I am, but it really annoys me: STOP WITH THE THOUSAND EXCLAMATION OR INTERROGATIONS MARKS. If you want to make an extra effusive sentence or statement, put it on italics or say "she gushed" "she squeaked". Describe it. Don't overdo, its unprofessional.
Now, a seventeen year old girl who's never drank before would burn her throat and cough about a myriad before she got to actually drink straight vodka. I can't do it. And I drink a lot. Also, describe the man; his features, his creepy smile and keep it up, keep the description. It makes it more believable. Try to develop the characters, the plot, otherwise it stays boring and cliche and bad. You've got a good plot. You can easily do better.
Aside from, well, the issues above, the story is good. Its normal to meet Ashley in a club, god knows I'd love to. I'm a huge fan of him and I hoped I could help you with this story :) keep writing, it can only get better.
