August 23rd, 2015 at 11:21pm
First Thoughts:
As a major Potterhead and a Marvel fan, your summary got me really excited. It seems like you have a really original idea, and I love that. What struck me as odd, through the beginning, is that there are important details given about a 4y/o - who seems, from the details, that she'd be more around 7-10. Especially because she knew about Tony, and seemed to have quite the vocabulary. You totally nailed Pepper though, I think~
Witch:
"They have letters attached to them," Steve said, moving closer to the owls. Gah, Steve is just the cutest. The second chapter was really nice, because, what's a Hogwarts story without the telling of how the magical character came to know of their magic? The details that the Avengers learned was a sweet little touch, too.
Diagon Alley:
I would have liked it more if Harry and Rosalie "hitting it off right away" was more than just a sentence. It felt like there should have been details, but then it was right to the goblins. The half million thing made me laugh - I wonder how big of a pouch would be needed to hold all of that. The whole snake thing made me very giddy. A foreshadowing? But again with the hog + warts haha I love the subtle humor you include. And aw, she's a Parselmouth
Mystic Falls:
I've never seen stories where Hogwarts allows cellular devices, so that's an interesting idea. The Canadian stereotype bit also gave me a laugh. This was very well written, and I love how many important details were given without dragging everything out.
Expelled:
Glenda Black as in the House of Black; Sirius Black, Black? There are so many minor details that just wrap together so nicely. I love how you represent the current generation of kids so well with the whole electronics and music thing. I wish I could go off to Hogwarts and never worry about electronics. Luke seems especially dramatic. My favorite part was honestly Pandora x Tony - "No, she wants to eat me."
So cute. And I think I love Pepper more than Luke and Toby! Random note - you went from Stark Phone earlier in the story to StarkPhone in this chapter.Hogwart's Express:
It seems to major to add to the spelling list so I'll say here - title Hogwarts Express is correct. I am so stoked that you've written in the tournament so early. The dress fitting is such a good touch! Snape
Somehow I'm hoping Rose won't be in Slytherin - at this point it would be too much of a cliche. I can't wait to read the sorting and how everything progresses. This seems so well-thought. (My back hurts so I'm going to read from my phone now and end this comment!)Spelling, etc.:
Here are the typos & things I've found.
Chapter 1:
She wearing - She was wearing
Rosalie didn't offense - Rosalie didn't take offense
Chapter 2:
Avenger's Tower - Avengers Tower
your discussion - your decision (Using italics on her response would look great too, btw.)
was in it's - was in its
Chapter 3:
his visibly relaxed - he visibly relaxed
Chapter 4:
Speak what?" - "Speak what?"
I'm a muggle-born since both of my parents are muggles," - "I'm a muggle-born since both of my parents are muggles,"
Thanks," - "Thanks,"
off our stored - off or stored
boy's - boys' (I believe, since it's plural.)
Chapter 5:
go back up - go pack up
was conflicted - were conflicted
reddish- brown - reddish-brown (No extra space)
“If-“Luke - “If-" Luke (Needs a space, it has double open quotes)
This is complete bullshit,” - "This is complete bullshit,”
Chapter 6:
All of them tried to tell them that they did need it, - didn't need it (Also the wording seems a bit awkward)
Of course, the only ones who were able to get to are the Avengers - get on to it ??? (Not sure what you meant, honestly)
This isn't grammar related, but I speak French and - as I've learned - formally addressed letters don't usually contain a "dear" - Dear Mademoiselle Rosalie Stark - "Dearest Mademoiselle Stark," perhaps, might flow better though!
Other:
Another thing I really loved is that you have a character page! Since this is a crossover, I think it would be nice to include the Harry Potter characters you use, as well as the Marvel characters - for those who might not be fans of both. I'm not sure if the rules have changed, but last I knew, links weren't allowed in the story body; plus it's a bit, erm, irritating? - it's a good touch, but I think all the links are better saved for the author's note.
Your writing is quite superb, and I really love the way you portray the characters. I felt the characters were really true to whom they were and how they would act, so it was an easy and enjoyable read. I especially loved the way you did Tony and Pepper in the same scenes, I just felt they were so comfortable around each other and it was very sweet. Actually, I’d probably just say that overall you did a really fantastic job with Tony. So many things he said were so in character, and basically every time he appeared I could imagine him perfectly telling JARVIS to scan for threats.
You did a great job at constructing a unique character out of Rosalie, especially with her being interested in potions and science. It makes sense, considering her background, and it sort of reminds me that potions is a science subject and not all ‘bad’ people would want to do it. I also really liked the little twist you added in there with the parseltongue thing, I really didn’t see that one coming and it’s sort of sad how happy Rosalie is with this little gift that she doesn’t really know much about it.
Anyway, I’m subscribing and recommending because you did a fantastic job with this!