April 21st, 2008 at 06:33pm
Okay, I'm reading this and editing as I go, so I may contradict myself.
The chapter name is original, and that drew me in from the beginning. So did the summary, so well done on that :D
I have to say, the italics in the first line put me off a little, I did think you could have substituted them for an action or something. But maybe that's just me. I've seen you have many subscribers and readers so I know you'll want to do whatever attracts more readers, right? So it's just my opinion.
I like the way you're telling it halfway through Frank's story. Instead of describing every singly time Gerard cheats on him, so far you're describing the last only. That works really well.
I also like this line: "Hell, it would be easier if you just admitted you were a dirty little whore who simply wanted a fuck buddy, at least then I wouldn't have made so much of an effort to actually try and stay in this fucked up mess of a relationship!" In fact, I loved this line. It really conveys Frank's desperate and angry emotion well.
I saw a few minor spelling mistakes, but they didn't affect the running of the story much. Just little things like "Your shaking. Is something wrong?".
That should be, "You're shaking. Is something wrong?" with no full stop at the end. But I'm sure you know this, and have just overlooked it.
You describe things really well. Puking for example: "throwing myself in front of the toilet and groaning as I felt like my insides were being pulled out." I, personally felt I could relate to that feeling as I remember being sick and it felt just like that. By giving your character an opinion, it livens up the chapter.
All in all, I only saw a few mistakes which could be corrected, and I like the concept of the story. Well done =]
Okay, first off, this is a slightly cliché storyline/very beginning to a story, and it isn't the kind of thing that I would read off my own steam normally.
That said, I can tell that you are a good writer. Your description is excellent and the narrative voice (now here's where I sound like my English teacher :lol: ) is engaging and interesting. There is a flaw in this, though - there are few spelling/grammar mistakes, and you spelled 'forgiveness' wrong in the title to chapter one, but it's nothing a run through spell check wouldn't sort out - at the moment it makes it look like you havn't invested the time to do that or to check over what you've written before you posted it, which isn't good (although if what you're writing is unplanned and falling onto the keyboard just as it is, then kudos to you).
Some of my favourite parts:
'No, nothing's wrong, you dirty whore. Apart from you, and the fact that my head feels like it's going to explode!
I managed to refrain from saying my thoughts out loud.'
'Only, my legs didn't want to co-operate with me, it seemed. I managed to get myself to my feet, but actually moving - Well, that was a different matter entirely.'
'He looked at my phone and then back at me, his wide dark eyes giving him the classic deer in headlights look. "Oh god, yy-your sick? Okay, I'll - I'll ring an ambulance or something, yeah, yeah, I can do that, right, okay..." He sounded unsure, and he picked up my phone with shaking hands. "What's wrong with you?" he asked his voice breaking, sounding as panicked as I felt.'
Yeah, I like those bits, how they sound and everything. I'm a little crap at explaining in reviews why I like certain exerpts, but I can pick them out okay X]
I think it's good how you can convince the reader that what Frankie's feeling is just stress at his screwed-up relationship, rather than illness. I mean, it says in the summary, but I actually forgot, to the point of me thinking "Why do characters always throw up from stress? I've never thrown up because of stress. Meh." Or maybe me forgetting is just me being scatty.
Anyway, overall you've got a good story going, even with the slightly cliché relationship we've got going on here (but then again, I automatically run the mental cliché scanner a little too thoroughly over any and all Frerards, seeing as how there are so many of them on here.) You're a good writer. Well done.