August 14th, 2013 at 09:16am
You have a really strong opening to this story with the first two paragraphs. The bitterness is already clear and you can sense a really complex, tragic story ahead.
I really love how "he" confessed to the narrator. It was something I could really picture and it made me swoon a little.
I think you confused "immediately" with "imminently" about a third of the way through, which you might want to look at.
I think the watching Disney movies was a bit strange for two guys. It reminded me a bit too much of those little scene boy clichés in slash stories on Mibba and the like, which was sort of compounded my the narrative voice. Basically at that point, your narrator became very stereotypical for me and I really struggled with that because the opening is so strong.
The sex scene made me really sad - just to know that it wasn't something wanted. I really felt for the narrator there.
You mixed up "response" with "responds" after the sex scene too.
The depression thing felt very insincere, like it was a very casual thing. It was really something that could've been developed earlier, like maybe mentioning how He helped the narrator stop cutting towards the start.
Your ending is pretty great though. I love the last couple of lines. They matched the bitterness perfectly.
Overall, I think this has great potential; you just need to work on your character development.
Good luck in the contest!
First, thank you so much for your comment, it was by far the most helpful. I really appreciate your feedback and I will most definitely take you advice with character development. Also thank you for pointing out the mistaken words, I would most likely never have seen them if you hadn't. Thank you so much for your input. :) it has been very helpful.