Diary of a Slave - Comments

I'm going to get the critique out of the way before I tell you how enjoyable this is. Be careful with "me and her" versus "she and I," as well as with capitalizing new sentences withing quotes ("You are growing up," not "you are growing up"). Also, careful with commas ("Our father, Caius Hunter, was..." instead of "Our father Caius Hunter was..."

That being said, you should be aware that this is absolutely not the kind of thing that I would normally read so that you can understand that it's a compliment when I say that this really caught my attention. Your writing is intriguing, and kept me curious and wanting to know more. Your character is pretty well defined. You give a good amount of detail without getting bogged down with it. Overall, this is an enjoyable read so far.

Yet again, I am brought here by comment swap. I love how you first referred to the vampires as blood demons. That really sets the tone for a much darker and sinister being than, as FlyawayGirl said, a vampire from the Twilight realm. I was pleasantly surprised by the depth to your characters in such few chapters. I don't really like the character biographies in the author's notes, though. I feel like that's what the character section is for!

This seems like a pretty good story.

*Comment Swap brought me here.* I haven't been a fan of vampires since Interview with the Vampire, so I wasn't thrilled to see another vampire story. I was expecting something like Twilight *shiver* but you steered away from that a fair amount. The style is nice and I couldn't find to many spelling errors. Good job on the story. You're a very good writer. :)

I'm not a fan of vampires. But this story seems different than most that I had seen on this site.

I definitely like how in the first chapter, you introduce the story. It made me remember this book I read, the Saga of Darren Shan (by far the only vampire series that I enjoyed). And I definitely like the concept of poems in each chapter. It's so original and somehow it makes me feel more connected to the character.

Your grammar is good as well and I don't notice any mistakes. Well, it's not that I'm looking anyway. You have and amazing writing style and good description. Good job. ^_^

I'm not a fan of vampires. But this story seems different than most that I had seen on this site.

I definitely like how in the first chapter, you introduce the story. It made me remember this book I read, the Saga of Darren Shan (by far the only vampire series that I enjoyed). And I definitely like the concept of poems in each chapter. It's so original and somehow it makes me feel more connected to the character.

This is such an interesting concept, I've never read anything close to this. It's so unique. I really like what I've read so far :)

Comment Swap*
This was a pretty interesting story. I enjoyed your style of writing. The mood of the story is hauntingly beautiful, yet disturbing at the same time. I enjoyed it. I hope you write more soon. The first sentence was powerful and I like how you can almost feel what the characters are feeling. The summary was kind of a bit too long for my taste. There were a few minor errors but overall I enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work. I hope you update soon.

(Comment Swap)
This story has an entrancing way of making you want to read more. The mood of the story is hauntingly beautiful, yet disturbing at the same time. I enjoyed it

comment swap
I like this its quite different and interesting, your style of writing is different to most that I have read on here, it draws you in quite nicely, not usually what I set out to read but overall very interesting

I am here from the comment swap! I have to completely agree with the comments regarding your summary on this story. It is way, way too long. Edit it down, skip the explanation of the rating (since the story already has a rating it seems fairly redundant), and write a quick, succinct paragraph or two giving the reader a hint of what's to come. As far as your actual writing: I think you could benefit from practicing your sentence flow a bit more. I found some areas of the story choppy and halting, if not also a little confusing. All that being said though, I think your idea is a good one that definitely has some originality to it and I find myself looking forward to reading what's next! If you can fix the few minor mistakes I think you have the potential of something really good here. Keep it up!

I love this. <3 *high five to the mastermind* Post the next chapter soon :)

I love this. <3 *high five to the mastermind* Post the next chapter soon :)

Comment swap, I agree with the comment bellow, the summery is really long and I found it unnecessary to mention the rating because it's kind of obvious. I've gotton a fair share of vampire type stories through comment swap and names like Maximilian are rather common which is kind of a turn off for me- just feels really generic. But anyway, enough of my complaining I really actually liked what I read. The layout was great too. I didn't notice any major spelling or grammatical errors other than you didn't use a capital A for Autumn which should be.. But maybe you were taught differently but I was taught to capitals it *shrugs*. Keep going with this I think you've made a great start.

Comment Swap
I'd like to start off by saying that the summary was really long with a lot of reader description and stuff. I think that since you've already rated the story to be NC-17 that you don't have to go ahead and explain to everyone of what they'll be reading even if it may be incest, rape, swearing, femme slash or anything of that sort. Fact of the matter (or the way I see it) the rating warns the reader. Also the copyright seems kind of overwhelming. I'd usually just put a copyright symbol, the year (2013) and my username so people know that it's a hands off.

I think the character information would be suited with pictures in the Characters column that you can make. Having it as an authors note is a bit distracting. I loved the prologue and I know as a writer, you are amazing. But there are many repeats of what's already happened and I know that sentences can be worded differently. All in all, I really like the creativity in this. Especially vampires being called Blood Demons

I really like this so far! The way that each chapter is kind of like a letter- I love it!

Oh geez, my mom was sitting right next to me when I clicked on this story, so I had to be a ninja for three seconds and hide the screen and scroll down really quick, haha. I do like the picture, though. I think you should've piped down your Copyright and Disclaimer. It's good to have them, but yours kind of dragged and it takes away from the actual story, you know? I liked the summary, but I didn't really understand the quotes, as I have no idea who the people you're quoting are. Characters, I figured that much, but whom?

....diary of a slave.... Since it's the title of the diary, you need to capitalize it.
I have to admit that I have never read a prolouge quite like this in my years on Mibba. That's good though, it shows this story is going to be very unique.

I honestly feel that you're throwing so many characters at the readers. It's making me slightly confused and I find that I have to open another tab just to remember who Alice was. Perhaps you could introduce your characters in a different way, rather than in an Author's Note. Other than that, I think the first chapter was pretty nice. There were no errors and the poem was actually pretty beautiful.

Okay, could I just say that I loved the relationship Alice and Agnes have? That's the meaning of everything right there. If you don't love your sister, who else are you to love? The way you portrayed this chapter was very close to perfect and it makes me want to subscribe to this story. I saw no mistakes in this chapter, which is awesome. Great job and keep it up!

The first sentence has a very powerful opening which gradually paints a picture to the opening scene. You have a very strong writing style, and an intriguing development of characters. You’re able to depict and tell a story extremely well. You add a lot of detail in description but I’m one of these readers that like things with a lot of detail, one of the things I’m a stickler for. All in all, so far you have an amazing story going and I hope that you keep updating on it! I’ve recommended this story, so keep up the great writing!

I am absolutely hooked. I am subscribed, and I have recommended. I love your writing style. And how in depth you describe everything. I do think that you do give us too much information at first. You need to spread the information out over more chapters, as to not give your readers information overload. Other than that, awesome job.

at the moment this story seems a little confusing, but i get that this is only the begging and it seems to have a lot of potential. have you thought about creating a characters page, with photos and short descriptions that may help people understand who everyone is seeing as you seem to have a lot of characters that you put in the authors note :D