Ye', I'm the Loud One - Comments

Comment swap~
Now, for starters I'm not entirely familiar with this band, so I'm going in blind as to chemistry between members and other such (I did look up the band itself after reading this, however, so I at least know who's in it). As such, I'm looking at this as if these are all original characters, as opposed to just the female leads here (from what I know, that is).
The concept is one that could make for an interesting premise- a subversion of most stereotypical romantic comedies and/or sub-plots. However, just because something subverts a common trope doesn't mean that it necessarily does it well. That said, I feel a bit underwhelmed, particularly because the characters involved- that is, Bella and Jasmine- feel kind of like stereotypes in and of themselves. Bella is a stereotypical "party girl", and Jasmine is presumably the stereotypical "bookish girl". Really, the minute I read that Jasmine was, "wearing a librarian-like outfit and glasses" my fears of the characters acting upon such stereotypes seemed to be fulfilled.
Just because a girl is "quiet" doesn't mean she automatically dresses like a librarian and wears glasses.
Just because a girl is "loud" doesn't mean she's automatically a stereotypical party girl.
If you want to subvert the common trope, you should really concern yourself with making the characters more fleshed out and overall likable, I guess you could say.
But, even then, you could still make the common tropes of those kind of characters work if there were more things like that- kinda like how teen films from the 80's were, ya know?
Still, I only read the first chapter, so perhaps they get more character later on, but I kinda live by the "Chapter Seven" policy. That is, say you have a novel, and while the first few chapters are just kinda okay, chapter seven is where it gets *really* good. It's okay to have a point where the reader is hooked, but if they aren't interested in the first six chapters, they'll never make it to chapter seven. Sure, some stories can get away with having a slow opening, but even those have some character to 'em, ya know?
That said, I'm not particularly a fan of this narrative style or the type of story, really, so that kind of turned me off from it right away. HOWEVER, I think it has potential by premise alone.
It's a premise with potential! If the characters were a bit less stereotypical (and we get more "show" than "tell: I:E, I don't need Bella telling me that Jasmine isn't an angel and manipulates people- that kind of ruins her Ethos, making her sound like, frankly, a jealous person trying to ruin someone else's reputation- I need to be *shown* through the latter's actions and words that she's not as wholesome as she appears.
Oh, and I should add that the dialogue gets a bit confusing at points, to where I don't really know who's talking. Also, who in the world is that guy who just springs from the ground near in the end there? Where did he come from? Maybe I just missed something.
Overall, while I think it's flawed, there is definitely potential for this premise to be something neat, and I wish you the best of luck with it c:
(also sorry if I came off as a bit harsh- I can be curt with my commentary sometimes...)

dialog is confusing. I'm not a big fan of centered content, makes it hard to read. you want to make it so that you don't have to reread anything because that normally means your not doing a very good job explaining things.

I’m not a fan of You Me at Six, and I must admit I came here from the Comment Swap but I’m glad I did! I read the first chapter, and I think it’s a really great hook! However, I kinda had trouble following who said what there, so I almost confused myself to differentiate between the mom’s and Aunt Linda’s lines. Other than that, awesome story! :)

Comment swap!
I really like the theme of your story. It isn't too distracting while I'm reading. You use a couple of the same phrases a few times and there are some minor spelling errors, but nothing that made me have to re-read a sentence. The time skips got a little confusing , too. Other than that, very good writing skills and good story.

Ready to read more! :) Great work

Hello! I am from Comment Swap, and I'm not too big of a fan of YM@6, but I did read the first chapter. The only reason I knew it was a fan fiction was that I looked at the pictures and the one labeled 'the boys' was of the band members. I would suggest writing an interesting summary or prologue for something to draw a person in. I like the way you wrote the story. It was flow-y and as if it was someone describing a story in a way. I was super confused at some parts, but I honestly think that the summary/prologue would help. Awesome job!

I thought this was interesting. I had no idea this was a fan fiction story until I read some of the comments, but overall I thought this was all right. The narrator's voice seemed a little off at times, but I liked the way you wrote the dialogue. It was natural and flowed well in my opinion. At first it took me awhile to understand what was going on and who these characters were, but like I said from the dialogue I got a sense of their personality a little bit and I liked that the most. This isn't something I would have read if it wasn't for the comment swap, but I enjoyed the first chapter.

{Comment Swap}

No longer a fan of YM@6 so I will just be pointing that out. I think you could have actually written a proper summary, someway to draw me in more but the title made me curious, and slightly makes up for it.

The way you write and your writing style is very descriptive and creates a great amount of imagery and effect. And I'm also very interested in your characters to see how they have and will be like.

I'm still going to read so I've recommended and subcribed

(sorry phone died on me)

Comment Swap:

Hey! So I'm not really a fan of you me at six, purely because I've never really heard any of their stuff, but this story makes me pretty curious about them and their music :) I like the way you write and your story makes sense - its pretty good grammatically and otherwise :)

Awesome story :) keep it up x

Awesome story :) keep it up x

SHADOW LIKES DRUNK JOSH
OKAY
FINE
FINE
JUST
DYING BECAUSE OF ALL THESE FEELS
GOSH
EVERYONE'S SO SASSY AND IN LOOOVE
THEY ALL SOUND LIKE THEY'RE FROM BRISTOL
ARE THEY FROM BRISTOL
YES
I APPROVE OH HEAVENS
OF COURSE TRAVIS COMES ALONG OH GOD YES
DRAMA AND FEELS AND ANGST
EVERYWHERE
YESSSSS
THE GUY WITH THE ROCK AS A CHEST
WOW OKAY WAY TO MEMORIZE CUTE GUY DETAILS LADY TSK TSK
HE'S PERFECT
NO BELLA
YOUR REACTIONS TO EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU IS PERFECT
A PLUS LILY
A
PLUS XOXO

CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S BUMPING INTO HIM IN HALLWAYS AND SHE WEARS SNAPBACKS AND I'M CRYING SO NOW I'M GOING TO READ THE THIRD CHAPTER
WHICH I WAS NOT INFORMED OF EITHER
SIGH

I MISSED TWO UPDATES
HEY THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW BROSEPH
THANKS
._.
I'M GOING TO GO READ AND WRITE AN ANGSTY COMMENT WHEN I'M DONE OKAY
OKAY
SEE
THERE
I LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
KIND OF LIKE SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE I KNOW SHOULD DO~~~

I MISSED TWO UPDATES
HEY THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW BROSEPH
THANKS
._.
I'M GOING TO GO READ AND WRITE AN ANGSTY COMMENT WHEN I'M DONE OKAY
OKAY
SEE
THERE
I LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
KIND OF LIKE SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE I KNOW SHOULD DO~~~

i like where this is going xD excited for another update!

It's shocking to me that you don't have any comments on this. What is this?! Where are all the Mibbians with taste? Goodness gracious. I love this c: I love the atmosphere that's given off in this story. It's quite wonderful. I also adore the way you describe things and the dialogue in this story is wonderful. Can't wait to see where this is headed!