Lovers in Tokyo - Comments

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I don't really read these type of stories and I couldn't really get into it however I did notice a few grammar, spelling and word choice errors. I think it could be really good with a proof reader. Really good start though. Carry on the good work

@ NoSecretsExcept
I really liked that point, and honestly it was very flowly. But the fact that she just let him be with her in that way, and she didn't care, is just so disturbing to me. It would be cute if they were a new couple that got married and were getting to know each other properly for the first time. There's so much more hope in that set up. I'm glad you liked my point, a lot of the times authors defend the weird/illogical things their characters do...for no apparent reason. haha you seem nice :)

@ discoveringclouds
you know...that's a really good point. no one really put the problem like that. but I wanted to show the chemistry between them and how they went with the flow...kinda.

This is really sweet mostly. I don't like how she just slept with him though, it's really depressing that she would do that with a stranger. And she wasn't even upset that he was gone and wouldn't care about her anymore. What if she had a baby!? Why doesn't she care? It's so sad.

heya just read the first chapter of your story. a good beginning, but there are some obvious problems with grammar and word choice, sometimes it is difficult to catch gramatical errors because we are used to our own way of speaking, have someone proof read for you. Another question i had was wy the italicized version at the beginning is in first person while the rest is in third. it is fine to use narratorial tricks like this but just remeber if they happen for no reason it will seem like a cheap gimmick to your audeince, instead of a well crafted literary tool