Phobia. - Comments

@ Elephant PJs
Thankyou so much for such a long and eloquent comment! I'm having a look through and trying to sort my terrible proof reading and formatting out!!
And my synonyms ;)
But I'm glad you like the characters and the way this is heading :)

And another thankyou to @ EaglesEye and @ Hiding!Behind!Daryl for your comments, especially as you two as the people who comment most.
And hopefully the eyes don't disappoint ;)

This won't be updated until perhaps Tuesday/Wednesday as my boyfriend is dragging me camping ( with the weather saying it will either be over 30c or with thunderstorms...so yay. :P)

much love x

July 27th, 2013 at 02:19pm

Elephant PJs (365)

:: Member
Gender:: ♀
Age:: 28
Location:: New Zealand

I absolutely love your summary. It's so intriguing with her counting of the marks, and then with the drawing into the plot. As a fan of the Dark Knight trilogy, I know exactly when you've set this. And giving your setting so early is really clever.

You do have a couple of grammar issues in it though.
One Hundred and Eight Two, I think you mean Eighty.
The other one is in significant as the one's - you don't need that apostrophe there.

Your first sentence of your first chapter could be separated for more impact. I'd stop it at "pre-say."

Otherwise, I think it's an excellent opening chapter. You learn Keira's history without all her secrets being given away. And I really must commend you on the way you unravel your story throughout. All her little ticks and relationships with the people around her. It flows quite naturally.

I've noticed that all through the story you have grammar errors; lack of apostrophes in contractions, mixing up too and to, typos and formatting issues. The first few just need a good proof-read to clear up, but I'll elaborate on the formatting thing.

You need to give each piece of dialogue its own paragraph to avoid that blocky look and make it clearer when different people are speaking.

You also need to take out the links (to her clothes and the like) in the chapters. You can put them in your author's notes, but they can't be in the actual text.

I quite like the progression of Blake and Keira's relationship, and the banter between them. Again, it's very natural.

The way you've set this against the timeline in the films is absolutely brilliant. It's so realistic and it just adds to the setting.
I particularly liked the reference to "CSI: Metropolis" I laughed so hard at that one.

You've mentioned the burn "between her legs" several times and it's just a bit repetitive. There are very few ways to say "horny" in a classy way I suppose, but I think you need to get some synonyms in there

Anyway, I think your plot and character development is great. I'm really enjoying seeing that gentle side to Blake and I can't wait to see what happens when her brother gets out and starts sentencing people.

July 27th, 2013 at 01:15pm