The opening paragraph is interesting - it really sets the tone for this chapter. However, the sentences are a tad bit choppy. Some of it works well for Owen's grogginess, after just waking up, but I think you can combine that idea with some longer phrases. For instance A young woman sat on a chair beside his bed[;] she turned to him as he groaned. Just that little semi colon cuts down two different sentences, and fastens 'em together, which will ease the flow a little bit.
"I just don't remember[,] Kitty," he said... "You'll get it back[,] Owen[,] I promise," she said... >> When you address a character, their name is always offset by commas.
The dialogue in this is very interesting - has an older touch to it, but I quite like it. It gives it a unique touch, and does a fantastic job of setting the tone alone!
CHAPTER TWO
Again, in this opening line, "What do you remember[,] Owen?", Owen's name would be separated by commas. I'll stop pointing it out now, though!
Interesting turn of events. I didn't think she could be trusted!
CHAPTER THREE
"Stop[,]" said Owen. >> There should be a comma here, to end the quotation. This is the first time it's cropped up in your writing.
I think it's interesting how you have this set up in an episodic fashion. The dialogue also points to some kind of nostalgic old-timey kind of story. I dig that about this, though! It really works.
The two things that need a little fixing are 1) the commas when addressing people, which is a super easy fix. 2) Expanding your sentences just a tad. It worked really well when Owen was just regaining consciousness, but as it goes on throughout the story, it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, you have interesting characters and an interesting storyline to match, so I'm sure this will be a really intriguing story!
CHAPTER ONE
The opening paragraph is interesting - it really sets the tone for this chapter. However, the sentences are a tad bit choppy. Some of it works well for Owen's grogginess, after just waking up, but I think you can combine that idea with some longer phrases. For instance A young woman sat on a chair beside his bed[;] she turned to him as he groaned. Just that little semi colon cuts down two different sentences, and fastens 'em together, which will ease the flow a little bit.
"I just don't remember[,] Kitty," he said...
"You'll get it back[,] Owen[,] I promise," she said... >> When you address a character, their name is always offset by commas.
The dialogue in this is very interesting - has an older touch to it, but I quite like it. It gives it a unique touch, and does a fantastic job of setting the tone alone!
CHAPTER TWO
Again, in this opening line, "What do you remember[,] Owen?", Owen's name would be separated by commas. I'll stop pointing it out now, though!
Interesting turn of events. I didn't think she could be trusted!
CHAPTER THREE
"Stop[,]" said Owen. >> There should be a comma here, to end the quotation. This is the first time it's cropped up in your writing.
I think it's interesting how you have this set up in an episodic fashion. The dialogue also points to some kind of nostalgic old-timey kind of story. I dig that about this, though! It really works.
The two things that need a little fixing are 1) the commas when addressing people, which is a super easy fix. 2) Expanding your sentences just a tad. It worked really well when Owen was just regaining consciousness, but as it goes on throughout the story, it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, you have interesting characters and an interesting storyline to match, so I'm sure this will be a really intriguing story!
xxx Bee