California/ Sugar Mountain - Comments

I can tell you definitely have talent. However the numerous small grammatical errors stand out. I realize that poetry can be a more free verse style of writing, but i would consider reading it out loud to yourself. that always helps me

Oooh lovely! This gave me goosebumps, I love, love stories with good vocabulary and sensory details. You definitely have a talent! The only thing I would say is proof read it (there were a few spelling errors but nothing too major) and maybe add a layout? Other than that, really, really lovely. It was a treat reading it! Recommending this :)

I'm sorry. Let me just say that I'm one of the nice ones. But, is this some kind of insult? I could not concentrate on this for a second. Why would you post this without spell checking first? Why? Why? Why? If you want people to take you and your work seriously, you should care about it. And care enough to spell the words correctly. I don't mean to sound harsh. I just wanna be helpful. And to prove that I have only good intentions, I found most of your mistakes. I might have missed a few:
Errors

The snow is falling in crystaline sheets and a million fractal patterns. (crystaline= crystalline)
that slur and shift in the kailediscope of rainbow and white outside (kailediscope= kaleidoscope)
camoflauge for the hordes of monsters that lurk there
the mountain yeti, (camoflauge= camouflage)
no one has ever escaped this holocaust they once called the midwest. (midwest=Midwest
the putulent maggot sick zombie people, (putulent= petulant)
sadllebags of flesh portruding, from their maggot filled gullets, (sadllebags= saddlebags, portruding = protruding)
I have no answers to these questions of your's (Your’s=Yours)
these wills and wethers, (wethers=Weathers)

"Here is the deal with California."
I say to you conspiratorily (conspiratorily= conspiratorially)
In the drivers seat of your now demolished 1994 cherry red and rust Honda Civic (Drivers=Driver’s)
coherently and completly in character (completly= completely)
the tires spiniing your voice rising to a scream against the wind (spiniing= spinning)
in alleyways and at your younger sisteers quincieria (sisteers= sisters)
some restrained optimisim (optimisim= optimism)
where the american dream sets with the sun (american=American)
while these rapers and pillagers (I have no idea what a raper is)
can not conceive of a world without California (can not= cannot)

You have a lot of small errors. There were a few words spelled wrong, repeated words, and I know you put 'spiniing' instead of 'spinning' at one point. If you went back and edited it more it would help a lot.That being said, this was really engaging. It kept me reading the whole time instead of just skimming over parts. Loved when you said "roadmap varicose veins". The whole thing made me slightly sad, and it's good that you evoked emotion. I agree with others that even though you labeled it a story-poem, I was still slightly confused. If the 'story' and 'poem' parts are supposed to be clearly separated, you should definitely italicize one or something. If they aren't separated, then I also agree that this is just a poem that tells a story.

This is an interesting medium, although I am unfamiliar with the concept of a story-poem, and the layout/verse style of this piece indicates to me that it might actually be a poem which tells a story.
In that case it should be moved into the poem section.

That being said your vocabulary is good, though could benefit from better lexical choice - bearing in mind that every word you use from start to ending creates a picture, and that sounds and pacing affect this as strongly as adjectives.

Comment swap brought me here and thankfully this time you have pointed out in the summary that it will be a story-poem but its still confusing because you didn't even had to do that. I'll tell you what I would have done if I was in your shoes and its your choice to take my advice or not so here I go. First of all you have a beautiful vocabulary and your descriptions are detailed, take advantage of that. It's your weapon. Use " at the start and end of the poems and write in italic, then the poem parts won't look the same with the story parts. Use bold to the parts of the story that matter most to you and you want to catch your reader's attention. For summary use the best lines from the poems or story. It will look more captivating and readers will like it. ~Marian

Comment swap brought me here and thankfully this time you have pointed out in the summary that it will be a story-poem but its still confusing because you didn't even had to do that. I'll tell you what I would have done if I was in your shoes and its your choice to take my advice or not so here I go. First of all you have a beautiful vocabulary and your descriptions are detailed, take advantage of that. It's your weapon. Use " at the start and end of the poems and write in italic, then the poem parts won't look the same with the story parts. Use bold to the parts of the story that matter most to you and you want to catch your reader's attention. For summary use the best lines from the poems or story. It will look more captivating and readers will like it. ~Marian