January 31st, 2013 at 06:41pm
I think the premise of the story is a good one; it definitely catches the eye. The characters are original and interesting in such early development. Your sentence fluency is conversational, and sentences flow from one to the next with ease. However, some of your sentences can be combined, rewritten, and deleted if needed because they come off as filler. The first two chapters in my opinion could be combined. Be careful with some grammar mistakes.
The only thing that really irked me is you do block descriptions, where you describe the character in great detail sentence after sentence. That annoyed me a little bit. Try to weave descriptions throughout the chapters so it's not stifling. Give the characters some room to breath.
I'll try...