The Past That Blinds (1 of 3) - Comments

Yay that was well worth the wait I am very excited of how this story is going :) you really are good with the whole character development of chase and then the romances too enthusiastic forfor any more ththat may come

well you were right I did like it and I liked the way you added her into the fight scene its a very good chapter :)

i say to your question that both options have their own merits and i feel that the sequel idea may be the better of the two because you have more points towards it. but all in all do what ever you feel more comfortable with cause its a great story all in all.

Yay I really love it and I can't wait to see where else it goes. :) keep up the amazing work

You wright extremedy well and are soo descriptive I hope you continue I can't wait to read more :) both of you its a new interesting point of view

@ WhispersInTheTrees
Thank you for pointing out these errors, I usually try to write them grammatically correct, but it happens, I wrote most of my earlier chapters on a mobile device since my laptop was out of service because I had accidentally cracked the screen. It's also this past year when I have drastically improved my spelling and grammar, I wasn't very good with is for quite a few years, and through school, I have learning difficulties that I am determined to overcome, these fan fictions help, and the constructive criticism so I really thank you for it. I'm currently checking through my latest chapter that I will be uploading soon, I was going to upload it the other day, like I promised but my internet was being dreadful. So after I have checked this one through I will upload it. Thank you again for pointing out my errors. :)

Firstly, I want to tell you how good your story is. You’ve got the characters spot on, and I love Chase. I love that you’ve made her a fighter and fearless. Though I would love to see more of her fragile/vulnerable side, but I suppose it will show later in the story. You mentioned that if there was anything we wanted you to add we should say so, well personally, I would love a bit more Kili/OC, like their fight at the camp. I thought it was really sweet.
Secondly, I’d like to give you some constructive criticism because, although I find that generally your story is well written, there are a few things that could be improved. Don’t take this badly, I’m only trying to help :)
- Typos: I know this happens to everyone and they’re accidental, but you should re-read your chapters for any mistakes before posting them. I only saw a couple whilst reading so they’re not a massive problem.
-Repetitions:

«As soon as Bilbo sees the valley he looks completely amazed. The cascading falls that glitter in the sunlight all merge into one large river at the bottom of the valley. I stand still simply looking at the valley, a soft breeze blows through the valley and I close my eyes as I feel it.»

Here I’ve highlighted the repetitions. Instead of using «valley» all the time you could replace the word with a synonym or «it» so it’s nicer to read. Here’s how I would change it:

«As soon as Bilbo sees the valley he looks completely amazed. The cascading falls that glitter in the sunlight all merge into one large river at the bottom of the vale. I stand still simply looking at it, a soft breeze blows through and I close my eyes as I feel its gentle caress on my cheeks.»

-Punctuation: Sometimes you should use a full stop instead of a comma because your sentences are too long.
Here’s an example:
“I reluctantly do as he says and go and head over to Fearlóf, I get a red apple out of my saddle bag which is on the floor next to the saddle that’s placed on a rock.”

After the first part of this sentence (highlighted), I would put a full stop.

Also, putting commas helps give sense to the sentence.

«After eating most set out their bed roll close to the fire and turn in for the night.»

Here you have to read the sentence in one go and it’s rather long to do.
The first time I read this sentence, I read it as: «After eating most, set out…» which I realised did not make any sense.
But if it was written like this:
«After eating, most set out their bed rolls close to the fire, and turn in for the night.»
It would have the meaning you wanted, and it makes it much easier for the reader.

-Tenses: This is the final point I’m going to make. You should be careful with the tenses you use, I have noticed you tend to mix the past and the present. Your story is generally written using the present but sometimes it slips into the past.

«I stop mid swing upon hearing the noise.
‘What was that?’ I hear the hobbit say, causing me to look around, I never even realized he had gotten up until he spoke.
‘Orcs.’ Kili replied
‘Orcs?’ Bilbo asked scuttling back towards the campfire, I start to walk towards the fire and Thorin wakes from his nap upon hearing another scream.
‘Throat cutters. There’d be dozens of them out there.’ Fili continues from his sibling. I stand opposite them behind the fire my blade still drawn.»

Here’s how I would write it:

«I stop mid-swing upon hearing the noise.
‘What was that?’ I hear the hobbit say, causing me to look around. I never even realized he had gotten up until he spoke.
‘Orcs.’ Kili replies.
‘Orcs?’ Bilbo asks, scuttling back towards the campfire. I start to walk towards it. Thorin wakes from his nap upon hearing another scream.
‘Throat cutters. There be dozens of them out there.’, Fili continues on from his sibling. I stand opposite them behind the fire, my blade still drawn.»

I’m really, really sorry if this comes across as rude and mean, but honestly, it comes from a good place and with good intention. And to be honest they're only minor things. Anyway, I can’t wait for your next updates, I’m completely hooked on this story!

Finally someone who seems like they've actually read the book :] you actually know the characters and the setting very well! Loving this.

I really do like where you're going with this story and I absolutely love the idea of her being half dwarf half elf! Absolutely genius! And, if my notions are correct, I really hope that Luthien ends up with Kili :) that would be adorable and if you did put it in Thorin's point of view that would be very interesting :D Please Update Soon! <3

I think you should do Thorin's point of view after. It would be interesting to read. :)

aawh i think thorin is so unfair.. she didn't do anything bad to him- just because she's half elf half dwarf.. :P really liking this story

I like her. ;)

So far I'm diggin it. update soon please!