Like this storyline, but is very hard to read all smushed together, try separating into smaller paragraphs, especially when there is dialogue. Other than that, keep up the good work (:
This is pretty interesting! I like the story line, but if you don't mind a little constructive criticism, maybe you should separate paragraphs, just to make it a little easier to read. But other than that I like the story line and the characters! Can't wait to read more! :) Keep up the good work!