March 26th, 2013 at 11:17pm
Summer - Comments
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This was a sad but cute story, I enjoyed reading it very much. Carter is one of those characters that you love to hate I think, and that's why Will is so caught up with him. Poor Will! If you made this into a whole story I would love to read it (no pressure) but this was nicely done. Thanks for entering my contest dear <3March 19th, 2013 at 05:21pm
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Sometimes he breathes against Will’s cheek when he thinks he’s sleeping, grabs his hand under the covers like it's not a secret.
Sometimes Carter forgets who they are, what they are.
What... WHAT. HAPPY?
One look at Will in his borrowed jeans and smirk and Carter couldn't do it, couldn't expose that.
(Them them them.)
“Sorry,” he whispered, mouth warm and wet against Will’s bones.
WAH.... WHY DO THEY LOVE EACH OTHER BUT THEY CAN'T SHOW IT I WANT TO HUG THEM AND TELL THEM IT'S ALRIGHT
CAUSE IT'S ALRIGHT, RIGHT?
Every time Will wakes up in Carter’s bed, it’s like waking up to a broken heart.
You’re beautiful, he thinks hopelessly, his chest pressed to Carter’s back to feel every inhale. What is that. That is perfection. I want to look inside your brain.
Where do you keep it all.
“You’re like this little kid in my bed,” Carter whispers, and his voice catches.
WHY
"You should fuck me," he says the day before Will starts his senior year, his arms wrapped around Will's waist like if he lets go, Will will disappear. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
Will doesn't know how to make it good for someone that is perfect -- he checks in with Carter every few strokes, smooths his hands down the backs of his thighs, doesn't say the things he really means.
He comes with I love you on the very tip of his tongue
MAKING LOVE. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE OKAY.
He knows what the kiss means and he knows the look on Carter's face as he drives off.
Goodbye.
All the crying.
All the sad.
This is my favorite. Seriously my favorite.March 2nd, 2013 at 05:47am -
I HATE YOU SO MUCH. They were into it. They were INTO it, Tracy.
'He knows what the kiss means and he knows the look on Carter's face as he drives off.'
How about a freaking back story before I pound your ass to Timbuktu.
March 1st, 2013 at 09:28pm
I decided to do this one because... well, I really couldn't decide at all so I just picked the one with the least comments.
So, first of all: You evoke emotions through the third person that I'm simply not capable of. And the language is just so simple! I'm a sucker for big words and you don't use any unfamiliar language at all, yet somehow nothing about the story was flat . I mean, wow, just wow!! I'm so not good with third person, at all, so reading this it's hard not to be jealous of all the raw emotion you can convey without even tapping into the characters' heads in the same way I do- even if you are using third-person limited, which is as close to first person you can get without touching it. It's similar but so immensely different. I don't know how you do it honestly. First person has a lot of prose, a lot of introspection, it seems, and you cut all of that away and its just... flawless. Like cleaning away all the emotion somehow intensifies it... more. I don't know how you do it, and it's just freaking beautiful.
I also love your ability to build this story around nothing. Literally. There is nothing to tell me what the hell is going on. Yet I get it. I get it so hard it hurts. I can see this highschooler somehow finding himself in bed with an older man and before he knows it, he's in too deep and he cant breath, he's just drowning in love. Yet, at the same time, he knows it will never go anywhere because of who they are- or more accurately- who they're not allowed to be. And I feel for Will so much because, to me, it seems Carter doesn't even realize what he does to him. Maybe some of him knows, but it doesn't stop him from leading him along because he just wants him. See? This is a beautiful thing. How you force the reader to make their own back story up from what they read and it doesn't detract from the story. It doesn't make the reader worry about the lack of back story it just is. You just make us feel it by sheer willpower.
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Every time Will wakes up in Carter’s bed, it’s like waking up to a broken heart.
You’re beautiful, he thinks hopelessly, ...
The feels!! THE FEELS! I just... I can't.
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They fuck, but Will privately thinks of it as making love.
He's stupid.
Okay, maybe this is more personal than the rest but this one just spoke to me so loudly. This is me. I'm this person. I'm that idiot who turns a nothing into a something and it sucks and it hurts. I think everyone does it sometimes but I do it like every. single. time. This was just scary because I've thought this before about myself before. Maybe not directly, maybe not in the moment, but afterwards, realizing, they were fucking while I was making love and how damn naive that makes me. I feel for you Will, I really do!!
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He comes with I love you on the very tip of his tongue.
I don't know. I just almost broke down at this point. I just had to cry. I managed to hold it in but it was just so fucking hard. That kind of "clench your jaw," "bite your cheek," "look at the ceiling so your eyes will dry out" kind of on-the-brink-of-tears. I can just see this need Will has for Carter, that he cant voice, because he knows how temporary their time is together and it would be like admitting that this thing was real in the first place, which it isn't allowed to be.
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Carter kisses Will's cheek when he drops him off that morning, two streets behind his school (like the goddamn clandestine nothing they are -- three months of nothing that were really fucking everything).
This is just... monumental. This just brings it all in and ties it up with a big, beautiful, depressing-as-hell bow. It speaks so much for the rest of the store, like finally reaching that point that you kept pointing to and pointing to but waiting til the very last scene. I can feel Will pitching toward a breakdown, but in a detached way, knowing he wants- loves- what he cannot have.
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I honestly don't have any major critiques. I suck. But I didn't catch any grammatical errors and my usual critique of "maybe consider a little prose, just a tad, instead of all description and dialogue..." is just a big NO here. It's totally not needed in the least. What you have doesn't need any help, at all. It's just perfect.
Really, the only thing I noticed was this:
“Sorry,” he whispered, mouth warm and wet against Will’s bones.
Will touched the side of his face and Carter leaned into it, almost asked What for?, even though he knew.
“I know.”
I had to reread it because it was worded a little roundabout and confusing. I think the problem is, if I'm getting it right: the thoughts "What for?" and words "I know." are Will's correct? But, the way the sentence is worded, you put a new subject- Carter- after the and (which means, technically there should be a comma after "face" but that's no the point) then go on to give Will thoughts in the same sentence. Since the subject changed, the organization of the sentence would imply these thoughts are Carters. Which is incorrect since Carter is the one apologizing in the first place. So rephrasing the paragraph that starts "Will touched..." would help a lot with clarity. But other than that, I saw nothing out of place.
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This is so freaking terrific. I love it times a million!! Don't ever, ever stop writing because I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye on you from now on!!