Forever Young - Comments

Here from comment swap. :)

Itty-bitty-little-teeny-tiny print.... But I enjoyed it anyway. You captured the insecurity and pain that accompanies aging as well as the disease of our society pretty well here. The constant vanity that nicks and chisels away at the reflection in the mirror no matter who you are, how old you are, or what you do about those two facts you can't change. So much detail in such little time. Awesome, really well done!

I really think that you captured the tragic fact of people trying to avoid change. Your writing style is quite good as well. I personally would change the layout. Even though it was an enjoyable short story, I had a hard time finishing it because it was just so hard to read. If you like this layout, you might be able to make it better by making the text bigger and whiter. I literally had to almost put my nose to the screen and highlight it with the courser to read it. Other than that I think that your style captures how Alice thinks and what she wants.

Also, I forgot to mention that I loved your summary! Way to pull someone in!

Okay, I'll leave you alone now!

Alright, first off, let me tell you that I found your story via Comment Swap. The story is great and I think it captures what it's truly like to get older. It freakin' sucks and a lot of people never get over it. You portrayed this perfectly!! It's a lovely little thing you've written here and I think you could really grab and run with this style of writing (I noticed in your author's note that this is new for you. I like it, personally!). The only thing I will complain about (and I'm terribly sorry about this since it isn't your work) is the layout. It's kinda hard to read, but that's nothing you can't change really quick. Other than that, this work is beautiful and I'd love to read more of it! Like the person who commented before me, I didn't quite realize she was 53 until you outright mentioned it (you sneaky thing, you!). That's actually really cool! We go from "Oh look, it's some twenty-something gal worrying about getting older" to all of a sudden "Oh...she's ACTUALLY 53 and has regrets."

Keep up the excellent work!

First of all, I really enjoyed your summary. It grabbed my attention and pulled me in, I was ready to read this story. One thing you might want to look at though is how close your sentences are. It's kinda hard to read.

"You have no choice but to accept the life you have lived, whether it was fulfilling or not." I LOVE this. Love it. Seriously, it's so true, people look at life as this fleeting thing only when someone close to them dies. It's rare that anyone ever looks at their own life as a fragile thing.

"Her daily routine consisted of wake up at precisely 6AM" - *waking up.

"After she finished, it was straight outside for a run that was never shorter than an hour." - straight outside doesn't sound the greatest, maybe re-word this a bit?

I really enjoy all the details you put into Alice's morning alone.

"She'd stand in her in front of her bedroom mirror naked," I think this is just a typo but you don't need two "her's".

Wow, I was shocked when I read she was 53! I should have realized that from the first paragraph but I thought you were talking in general. That changed my perspective a lot.

Maybe you should italicize "I need to fix this" in your fourth paragraph so that it's more obvious it's a thought and not you switching to first person.

Overall this was a very good read, I'll check back now and then if I remember, I'm supposing you're going to continue it? Or wait...is Hide and Seek a sequel?

I love how real this is. This writing style definitely suits you. It's really hard to write something that feels like a complete story in such a small amount of words (at least for me) and you've done it wonderfully!

Aging is really sensitive topic, especially for women, I think your choice of topic was excellent. I really liked the details and descriptions you put into this story. Alice is also a great character. Altough, the text font and size should be somewhat different. It's kinda hard to read and really enjoy when the letters and words are so small. Anyway, good job! :)

Aging is really sesitive topic, especially for women, I think your choice of topic was excellent. I really liked the details and descriptions you put into this story. Alice is also a great character. Altough, the text font and size should be somewhat different. It's kinda hard to read and really enjoy when the letters and words are so small. Anyway, good job! :)

Great job on details. I'm sure plenty of women can relate with Alice. Kind of anticlimatic ending though but that's what makes this interesting.

For something so short, I found it really good. You use plenty of description which I love, and for something simple it speaks volumes (for me anyway), this definitely paints a vivid picture for your readers to enjoy... good job :)

Well, I had a bit of a hard time reading this. Small text and a very monotone them, but I really enjoyed it. Once you really get down to it the layout goes amazingly well with the story.

I really feel for Alice, I mean, I'm only 18 but you described her problem in a way that was so easy to get into and understand. Simple and descriptive, this is really perfect. I like this so much. Bravo!

Wow, that's really an eye opener. I have to agree with her, even though I am only 20, aging is one of those things that I am not looking forward to. I always feel like I have to rush to get everything done or I'm going to be one of those unaccomplished old people, and I'll just fade with nothing. So, yeah, very realistic and very descriptive, I think that you really did pin-point something older people actually go go through with on a day to day basis. The aspect of live coming to a close, even though she is still relatively young and still has a bit of life left to her, just... no one like to realize how old they have actually gotten. Amazing job, just simply amazing.

That was really realistic and simple. You can see the struggles that the woman was really going through. It really makes a lot sense because we all fear death and growing old, but yet, Death and growing old are two things that can never be stopped. This was a true piece of tragedy. Your descriptions flowed really well and I could picture everything quite well. This was also a bit eerie as well, but you did well with it and you made it work. Great job! I loved the story!

I like this. It's simplistic and very descriptive, and I could immediately imagine the woman you were describing (she reminds me exactly of my grandmother). I felt like I had stepped into the woman's shoes, even though I am not going through her current emotional struggles.

Since I know you're trying to work on your writing style, I did notice one thing you might want to avoid. "...using a ridiculous amount of different hair products like, shampoo and conditioner, and other..." For me, I thought that the use of "like" ruined the feel. Perhaps "such as" would've been a better fit. I also felt there was too many commas in that sentence, and it turned kind of choppy.

I really enjoyed this, and if I found a lengthy story with description like this I would be really impressed.

I initially thought I wasn't going to like this when I first started reading, but holy moly did you prove me wrong on that.

The piece left me anxious because I know that that's going to be me one day. It also leaves me with an urge to go moisture the crap out of my face.

"In the end she wasted her life trying to avoid the unchangeable, and that was the most tragic thing of all." <--

First off, I love the presentation of it all! It's quite hard to read words that are not black but you complemented the colors ideally. Also I like how your paragraphs aren't choppy, but neatly sorted. :) The description is quite enticing, good job on it all and hope to read more from you.

This was really good! Your writing is amazing and descriptive, and I really loved reading it. I feel like you've painted a very accurate picture of what some (or maybe all) people go through, and I think it's really cool that you were able to get it so spot-on. Great job!

I'm impressed with your writing, this is a very good description of what time is and how little we really have in contrast to how much we think we have. The ending is sad, but it was very good. I will definitely look at your other writings.

We can tuck and smooth our bodies, cut and colour our hair, but we can never stop time. We just have to pray we have goodness in it and that we can notice it go by so it doesn't strike us all at once. All the products and services will eventually fade away, and the obsession with youth won't be able to stay.

I liked this so so so much. It was fantastic!